Something weird happened last week. A Facebook friend of a friend posted a video of mine and said I was a männerfeindliche Sexistin.
I dunno. I was really perplexed, to be honest.
It's not like I've never had any männerfeindlich thoughts in my life – you should hear me every time a girlfriend gets dumped, I'm like: "Sister, they're all total assholes, you're better off without a shitty man in your life, all men ever give you in this world is heartache and VD!" That kind of thing. I can be männerfeindlich. I would absolutely love to chop that stupid French man's penis off for him. I would feel slightly bad if it turns out that he has been set up by the Americans/Israelis/Barcelonan football team, but only slightly. I hate men! Sometimes. A bit.
But not in that video clip, I don't. It's just a nice, silly story about a one-night-stand that went wrong with some helpful advice regarding etiquette. So then, on Facebook, on this guy's wall, they were all laying into me, yeah? They didn't know I could read what they were writing; I was getting a bit turned on. One guy goes: "All this girl needs to do is to attend a decent German course." Then this other guy goes: "The only challenge for the person listening to this so-called entertainment is to try and not fall off of your chair in boredom." Yeah, awright, mate. I mean, you're fucking German, you made it through Chemie Leistungskurs and stuff, I'm sure you can handle five minutes of helpful advice regarding etiquette.
Okay, so in this story, right, I say that there are basic rules governing one-night-stand etiquette. The girl is meant to say: "Oh, I don't know if I want to do this, I don't want you to think I'm a slag." Then the boy is meant to say: "You? A slag? You? Seriously? But how could I ever come to such a conclusion ever, when you are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on in my entire life and plus I am so full of lust and desire for you that the existence of such restrictive sexist categories has been temporarily erased from my brain." Then the girl is meant to act like she's thinking it over, like: "Hmmmmmnnnn....." And then she says: "Okay, stick it in."
SJUST A JOKE, MAN. It's just a joke. But....if Knigge did have a section on one-night-stands, I'm pretty sure he'd agree with me. But it's still just a joke.
Okay, so then, on Facebook, this one guy goes: "Oh, it would have been much better if the guy had said 'Now is not the time to think.'" Now is not the time to think? Then the one who thought I was a männerfeindliche Sexistin wrote: "'Now is not the time to think....ROFL!'"
You know, you spend ages thinking you've actually integrated into German society and then something like this happens and you realize these people have actually got the sense of humour levels of homo habilis, i.e. none whatsoever. You will never understand these mad, robotic bastards, you will never fit in.
"Now is not the time to think." I couldn't think of anything crappier and less funny if you paid me. I am racking my brains, desperately trying to think of something crappier than that and I just can't do it, people.
"Now is not the time to think." Imagine if a boy actually said something that cheesy to you in bed. You would have second thoughts, wouldn't you? Even Paris Hilton would have second thoughts if someone said that to her.
"Now is not the time to think." It's a crap line! I wouldn't have thought it funny at eight years old. Mine was much better. These people. One minute they're so bored they're falling into a coma in the middle of a poetry slam and the next they're rolling around the floor in hysterical laughter, at the thought of someone saying to someone else, "Now is not the time to think."
Okay, but wait for it! After that, this other lad says that the guy should say: "I do think you are a slag, and that is why I only want a one-night-stand with you, and not a relationship, actually."
For FUCK'S sake. Sometimes Germans say something – one thing – one small thing, like, for example, "The guy should say 'I do think you are a slag and that is why I only want a one-night-stand with you, and not a relationship, actually'" and I despair so hard I could carve my own heart out with a spoon.
IT'S ABOUT ETIQUETTE YOU MORONS. It's called being polite. Manners. Do you think Knigge would approve of that shit? I mean, Knigge thinks we should apologize when we sneeze, for Christ's sake. He is not gonna be happy with all these rude German boys saying to their potential one-night-stand fucks: "Actually, I do think you are a slag and this is why I want only a one-night-stand with you, and not a relationship, actually." Knigge'll be like: "You rude bastards, were you raised by a pack of errant wolves? Have you no manners? You barbarians!"
The truth is, I am a pretty sexist person, but I don't hate men that much. Most of the time, I love them. I'd much rather be stuck with a boy in a lift than a girl. Any boy – even a disabled one. Girls drive me mad, they drive me insane. Always talking about boys and makeup and other women's ankles. We're dicks. Nope, basically, most of the time, and not counting actual rapists and people like that, I love men. Well, I love talking to them. I don't even mind it when they tell sexist jokes, or tease me for not being able to read maps and stuff. I am a pretty sexist person myself, basically.
And, so, when you get down to it, what I am trying to say is this: anybody who can watch that silly Etikette video-clip and feel like I'm some dangerous, threatening man-hater, well, they need to grow a backbone. And a penis. And, probably, a pair of fucking balls, too.