"Have you got any New Year's resolutions?" my boyfriend asks me.
"Yes," I say.
"What are they?"
"I'm going to change yours and Rico's names in my blog. Jörg told me I should. He told me it was very silly to use your names. So I'm gonna call Rico ‘Ryan’ from now on."
"He likes the name Ryan. He likes the names Ryan or Neil. He wants me to look into getting his name changed to Ryan by deed poll."
"It's really hard in Germany, though, isn't it?"
"Yeah, I told him to move to England when he's older and then just change his name there."
"If he really does change his name to Ryan –"
"Well, then, I'll change his name back to Rico in the blog."
"Good plan. And what's my new name gonna be?"
"You have a very Peterish personality."
"I do not."
"Yeah, you do. And I'll call you Pete. My boyfriend Pete. Doesn't that sound romantic? You know the kind of thing: ‘My lovely boyfriend Pete loves porn and always takes the rubbish down, blah blah blah.’"
"Have you got any other New Year's resolutions?"
"Yeah, loads. I'm going to read German books, thousands and thousands of German books, and literary biographies, and I'm gonna learn poetry off by heart when I'm on the U-Bahn, I'm just gonna learn all this poetry off by heart and I'm gonna finally learn those adjectival ending thingiemajiggies – how hard can it be? Those dirty little cunts. ‘Mein neuer Computer, die kalte Biere, das gelbe Fisch’ – how hard can it actually, actually be? I'm gonna learn those bastards off by heart. And I'm going to drink lots of water and at gigs I'm just going to have one glass of Weißweinschorle before the show, then I'll change to Apfelschorle, and then after the gig I'll have one more glass of Weißweinschorle and then I'll say: Okay, ciao, bis denne! And when I leave places I am gonna bang on the bar to say goodbye. I think that'll make me seem really integrated. And I'm going to pronounce the word 'ich' properly. And I'm gonna do 10 minutes of yoga every day. And 20 on the weekends. And I'm going to lose 10 kilograms. And I'm not gonna shout at Rico anymore. I'm going to be really calm and relaxed and loving, but strict. And I'm not going to cry when I'm drunk. And I'm going to stop eating raw bacon."
"Good idea," says my boyfriend. "I'm sure it's not healthy."
"And you know what else? I'm not going to read all the details of every rape case that comes in the paper, but only the most important ones. I'm going to focus my attention on, like, three important rapes a year. And not just indiscriminately read all the details of all the rapes, it's so depressing. And I'm not going to argue with or bitch about other people. And I'm going to learn poetry off by heart, poems, poems, poems, literally millions of poems off by heart. I'm going to learn different poems for all different situations in life and then when I'm in a specific situation, I can quote that poem – like, you know a beautiful sunset, a sad child, a feminist awakening. I'll have a poem that I quote. And I'm going to send my mum more money. And my little brother. I'm going to send them money each month. And I'm going to go to Tropical Islands at least twice, I love it there. And I'm not gonna get upset every time someone says 'How much did you get paid for writing this 'so-called' column?'"
"Good," says my boyfriend. "I sometimes think you shouldn't even read the 'so-called' comments people leave on your blog."
"Oh, I'm not going that far," I say. "But listen, I'm also only going to masturbate to feminist porn, or at least nothing with teenagers from Eastern Europe and they have to give the guy a blowjob. In fact, I'm going to masturbate a lot less in general. Whenever I feel like masturbating, I'll learn an adjectival ending; I'll have them down in no time. And I'm going to do sit-ups every day. At least, like, 30. And I'm going to be a vegetarian. Basically. And I'm going to have more Selbstbewusstsein. And I'm not going to get too close to people when I speak to them, but have more respect for their personal space, like, I'm going to stand or sit 40 centimetres away from them at all times. And I'm going to lose 10 kilos. And I'm going to swear less. I'm only going to swear when I really feel like it. Oh, apart from the word 'slut'. I'm going to reclaim the word 'slut'. And I'm going to say ‘Na gut’ instead of ‘Okay dann’ when I'm on the telephone. And I'm not going to use sexist or homophobic language – not even in an ironic way – not even in my head – not even about beer. I'm not going to call Becks Lemon gay – NOT EVEN IN MY HEAD! Oh, and I'm not going to shave my armpits or pubes or legs, even when I'm going swimming. But not in, like a bitter, angry feminist way, but in a positive, celebratory, joyous, hairy kind of feminist way. And I'm not going to waste any time on Tetris. Freetetris.org is dead to me now. And I'm going to get German people who I respect and admire to write me reading lists but then when they write me reading lists I am actually going to read all of the books on the German reading list and not just lose the bit of paper somewhere."
"Brilliant," says my boyfriend.
"And," I add, "I'm going to change the bed sheets once a week and not just every month once I've bled all over them."
"Blimey," says my boyfriend. "It sounds like 2013's going to be a really fantastic year."
"Yeah," I say. "2013 is basically going to be totally excellent in every way."