by

July 12, 2010

Do you like this?

"I have a friend," a dude I met in a bar said to me once, "and when his daughter wakes up on a Sunday morning he just puts on Kika and goes back to bed!" I put on my best shocked face, but really I was just shocked that he considered this an anecdote worth telling.

"I mean, I just don't know why he had a child if he doesn't want to spend time with her," he continued. "I mean, spending time with your children should make you feel happy, shouldn't it."

It probably should. BUT NOT AT SIX O'CLOCK IN THE BLOODY MORNING, DARLING.

The truth is, kids don't make you happy. They make you tired, exhausted, worn out, empty. They make you so angry you actually have to start blinking really fast to stop your head imploding. They make you poor. They make you get up at six o'clock in the morning to give them breakfast. They make you buy them football stickers and Kellogg's variety packs of cereal and Smarties. They make your life, basically, a bloody misery.

Still, they do make you laugh sometimes. Rico has been, and this, unfortunately, is the absolutely official term for it, sorry, Totally Fucking Hilarious this World Cup. There was the game he danced naked in front of the mirror, singing "I love Germany, coz Germany is beautiful, and then I, too, am beautiful, coz I'm a German boy!" The way he always nodded sagely every time someone shot a goal and went "Good shot." And then said it again when they re-showed it. The fact that he hated Kaka coz his name was "eklig". Or the Germany-England game. He cried when the goal wasn't allowed. At 3-1, he said: "Mum, I am only a little bit sad, because I am half-German, and so I am actually meant to be for both teams." By 4-1, he said: "Actually, Mum, I was born in Germany, so I think I should mainly be for Germany and you're meant to be for the land where you were born there." Or last night, after Spain scored, when he gasped, and whispered: "Mum!" True shock in his voice, shock and awe, maybe: "The octopus was right!"

Kids. They don't make you happy. But I tell you what. They do make World Cups more bloody enjoyable.

by

July 12, 2010

Comments (4)

Comment Feed

and they make

your boobs sag.
I think I'm better off without them. But keep the stories comin', I want to have a laugh every now and then

Berliner Schnauze more than 3 years ago

Dear John

they're on commission!

Amok more than 3 years ago

Bloody ridiculous comment

Why is it always the lobotomised middle classes who comment first?

Really funny post.

John more than 3 years ago

bloody boring

is using the word 'bloody' repeatedly supposed to make your articles more interesting or just more english? it's really distracting and the grammar is atrocious. don't you have an editor?!

bored more than 3 years ago

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