Illustration by Kerri Mullen
People often ask me whether I suffer from homesickness often, and the official answer is, well, no. Basically. Although I do get this lonely, melancholy tang of envy whenever somebody tells me they're going to a Jugendweihe. And then I think of all the christenings and weddings and hen parties I've missed and I feel empty and miserable for a few minutes. But generally: nope. An almost nauseous sense of longing for my homeland is not a problem which afflicts me regularly.
However – and I hope I don't seem like some kind of maddened, bloodthirsty Robespierre-type person for admitting this – I have never felt more like returning home than I do right now. It all started with those images of the students storming the Tory HQ. I saw them and all I wanted was to go home and dance on that roof. It goes without saying that I'd leave fire extinguishers out of it, of course. But I guess I felt like socialists in Britain when the Spanish Civil War started. I had itchy fingers, itchy feet, even my heart was itching to go home and help start the revolution. And then, on Thursday, when Charles and Camilla's Rolls Royce got attacked, the crowd yelling "Off with their heads!" I felt so homesick, I almost vomited.
Ooooh, I know. Charles and Camilla are real people – and you can't really enjoy seeing real people being hurt or scared and still call yourself a Buddhist, BUT I CAN'T HELP IT. It's because I grew up in East London, that's what it is. It's so annoying, being surrounded by chirpy, cheery Cockneys who just love the Queen.
Even worse than that, they loved the Queen Mum. Every year, the pensioners from my hometown would save up their money and buy the Queen Mum a huge luxury bottle of champagne. Like as if that old alcoholic needed any more fucking booze down her throat. She had more alcohol for breakfast every day than all the pensioners in London have for Christmas. And then, as if that wasn't annoying enough, when she died, the woman at my local greengrocer's actually said to me – this is an actual quote: "Even if she hadn't've become Queen, she would've been famous anyway, because she was so beautiful and talented." Beautiful and talented? YEAH RIGHT. The only person I can think of who was less beautiful and talented than that ugly old crone is Josef Fritzl.
Anyways, it's a good thing England's on the cusp of revolution, coz otherwise we'll end up with Charlie as King, and he is officially the Ugliest Man in Europe. His ears are so big, they won't fit on the fucking stamps. I'll never understand people who say Camilla's ugly. Compared to him, she might as well be "Britain's Next Top Model". Still, she never looked more beautiful than when she had, to quote the Daily Mail, "pure terror in her eyes." To be honest, I think she should be scared. Nick Clegg, David Cameron, and those feckless benefit-scrounging workshy losers who go by the name of the Windsors should be fucking shitting a brick right now. The British lower-classes are masochistic dickheads with the all the self-esteem of squashed pumpkins. But even they have limits.
To read more about the loveliness of homesickness, check out Kerri Mullen's blog at bsbeast.wordpress.com/