June 19, 2012

Do you like this?

Sometimes I think I hate Berlin. I think it's tore my heart in two. You know something? I'm just not used to people smiling at me anymore. Like, the other day on the train, on the S-Bahn. This guy was smiling at me. He was white, but I could kind of tell he wasn't German, he was too smiling and open, there was nothing downtrodden or Woyzecky about him, he was just grinning. But he also didn't look like he cared about the environment. German men always either look like Woyzeck or like they care about the environment. I thought he was Australian or American or something. He looked like he'd grown up in a wide open space.

So I grinned back at him. He grinned back at me. We grinned at each other. I was thinking to myself: brilliant. Fantastic. Wonderful. Excellent. Somebody is coming on to me. Well, they will in a minute, probably. They are smiling. Oh, this is great. This is gonna be a fantastic day. I felt like Samantha Brick or someone. It was really nice. 

Then he started picking his nose.

"Okay, Jacinta" I said to myself. "You only want to have a mini-flirt with him. A tiny grin session in the S-Bahn. He's just picking his nose a little bit. That's okay. Don't be so judgemental. Keep on smiling!"

Then he went and started eating the fucking bogies. Even I can't enjoy flirting with someone who's actually prepared to eat part of his own body on public transport.

The truth is, the only people who ever want to flirt with me in Berlin are old Turkish guys. It's so depressing, coz when I first arrived in this city, I used to get the Turkish teenagers. (No, I never, ever, ever got hit on by a German EVER.) Back when I first arrived here, I'd try and walk down Wiener Straße extra fast, like I was totally verabredet, and they'd still come up to me and ask me for my phone number or could they take my photo and stuff like that. And then, all of a sudden, they just stopped. It was around 2006, 2007; around that time.

You know what I thought? I am such an arrogant, conceited bitch, honestly. I thought: "Oh, it's your body language, Jacinta. Subconsciously, you've become really German and now your body language is all self-confident and yet withdrawn at the same time. It's a good sign really!" But it fucking wasn't. It was just coz I'd got old, old, old, old, old. I know this because now I've started getting the old guys. Old, old, old Turkish granddads. Not just old, but a bit weird, too. The kind of guys who, when you say you've got a kid and a boyfriend and have to go home now, check whether you had a Caesarean or not. Weirdos. It's bloody depressing.

And I always think it's Germany and the Germans. But it's not. It's Berlin and the Berliners. Their hearts are made of actual ice, the cold bastards. Whenever I leave this city, I always think all the waiters and shop assistants are coming onto me or that they recognize me from a YouTube video. In fact, they're just smiling. I know, I have a narcissistic personality disorder. Actually, when I think about it, this is probably the only city in the world I should ever live in. My ego would explode anywhere else.


June 19, 2012

Comments (12)

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Get me out of here

I think that "there was nothing downtrodden or Woyzecky about him" is perfect. I'm getting to be a bit Woyzecky and don't like it one bit. I'm leaving soon. Good for me.

Fiona 27 days ago

Don t care

They are just Posers and deeply blocked, in their head they are still the Paderborn or Renzburg or Buxdehude guys they ve always been, but hey ! they are in Berlin so they have to look like it. When they were in their small towns and little villages, they were seeing all this posh girls on the hardcovers of their indi cd s, so now they have to go for exactly that. And after their first trip to New York they have seen how a big city guy has to act. This is not Cologne ! or Hamburg ! or München ! it s Berlin !!!!
There is no place in the world, where it is so easy to be what you seem, and that is exactly why Berlin is not a city, but the biggest village in the world. cheers ! To Jodie : are you german ? its not about the language you use, but the thing you say with it, if you ve got nothing to say, but your language and stile is soo perfect, a secretary job would do better, than posting a comment. Giving advices to people is a provocation to get advices you can give me an advice, but please.. don t hit me with my language..i might be able to think, that you are not able to comprehend what i want to say..

Don Alfonso 284 days ago

Other Haters

Lol, this post reminded me of something I wrote on just the other day! I just wish people would laugh out loud here! They do in the rest of Germany!

Jake more than 1 years ago


Totally agree...the haters must be the German Berliners. They are cold, unhelpful and make everything kind of worse....

AMERICAN more than 1 years ago

Too FUnny

Loved the first line of this blog, it reflected my mood exactly, shame about the sad reality of the getting old, but I think the actual reason i s more scary than that, I think we actually adopt the fear and forget the innocent smile

Arthur more than 1 years ago


This diatribe is offensive and, even if it wasn't, it is a thorough waste of time. All writers must learn their craft, it is true, but there must be ways other than subjecting unsuspecting readers to such unnecessary and pointless drivel. Good thing it is localised to only English-speaking readers, who the writer apparently believes live in the lower reaches of civilisation. A kindly word of advice, Jacinta: write it, put it aside for a day (or two, or three), and then re-read and reflect. This simple process may serve you and your quest as a writer.

jodie more than 1 years ago

Who's the hater?

None of the above, Phil. But nice job. "Brilliant", "work", and "Amok", all in one sentence, impressive feat. So why are you addressing Amok in the plural in your subject line?

What goes round more than 1 years ago


Have you commenters all had your basic comprehension glands removed, or are you just Americans? Keep up the brilliant work, Amok.

Phil more than 1 years ago

ASW indeed

Of course those Turkish teenagers stopped hitting on you. At that age they could get off on a biology textbook. They're in their 20s by now and have developed some taste. Now they're following me around. Much more discreetly, of course: I'm middle-aged and male.

Amused pity more than 1 years ago


... Is brilliant!

Mary more than 1 years ago


Well...I think this is a book case of ASW, Attention Seeking Whore. Don't take this personally but any psychoanalyst would deduce this in a matter of seconds. Wich also makes it hard to believe your story, and why I reached to the end.. god knows I love to procrastinate, but now you make me wan't to get back to work.

TheGreatLOFTI more than 1 years ago

Little Miss Anti

With 334 views, the chances of them having seen you is pretty slim. Listen to the final recording here from Beverley Eckert to see whether it can awaken some residual empathy. I did like the Marshall Plan joke, though.

Ed more than 1 years ago

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