by

October 17, 2011

Do you like this?

God, kids are fucking stupid sometimes. They're just idiots – brainless, clueless, dumb as fuck, thick as shit. My son Rico, for example, makes Sarah Palin look like Richard Dawkins. He's a moron. He's a fool.

I bought him a bratwurst the other day. No, don't worry, fellow veggies, I didn't eat one myself – but he was really hungry and I thought he looked like he could do with the protein.

So, I gave the bratwurst guy – he was fairly attractive (they're fairly attractive, aren't they, the bratwurst guys, they have to carry that portable grill around on them all day long, they're pretty tough and masculine) – I gave the bratwurst guy 10 cents too much by accident.

"That's 10 cents too much, you've given me here," he said, friendly enough for a German.

I grinned and touched my forehead, half-disparagingly, half-flirtatiously. Look, he was a fairly attractive bratwurst guy. Whenever a German speaks to me without spitting, tutting, huffing or actually telling me to fuck off out of their country, I try to sneak a tiny, teeny-weeny flirt in there, just a minuscule flirt, scarcely worth mentioning really: "I've always been bad at maths," I said, and then Rico and I walked away from him, while mustard and ketchup – Rico always insists on having both –  and sausage juice dribbled deliciously down his (Rico's) chin. I must admit, I did feel slightly tempted to kiss him on the chin just so I could taste a bit of sausage juice, but I controlled myself.

We went and sat down on a bench so he could finish his bratwurst. As soon as he'd finished it, he turned to me, and said, in the most judgmental, severe, "God-sometimes-I-wish-my-mother-wasn't-such-a-useless-Ausländerin-Whorebag" voice imaginable:

"So, Mum, in Germany, just so you know, when you buy Wurst from a man, in Germany you don't need to tell the man how you were like in your lessons at school. In Germany the people don't interest themselves for such things. They just want to give you the Wurst, and have the money. So don't say that again, okay?"

I just nodded, like I was really grateful for this life advice regarding Wurst-purchasing scenarios, but secretly I was thinking: "I only told him I was crap at maths because I got the money wrong, you fool. I didn't tell him about my marks in geography, or my brilliance in drama and English Lit, for Christ's sake. Or how I wanted to do art but Mrs. Turbick thought I only had it in me to do comics – for fun. The bitch. GOD, children are fools. They are idiots. Idiots! Imbeciles. Don't judge him, Jacinta, it's not his fault. He's only seven. He can't help it. He's just an idiot."

Still, I was an idiot, too, when I was a kid. I thought idiotic things all day long. When we started Junior school, we learned in assembly about how that king – Herod, I think his name was – how he made Mary and Joseph go to Bethlehem for a census because he was thinking of going to war. And I thought they meant The War. The War. You know, everyone drinking carrot tea and putting eyeliner on their legs and having sex with Ralph Fiennes during air raids. World War Two! THE WAR.

Yep. I thought Christianity was, like, 40 years old. And I literally thought Jesus had been born at Christmas and then died at Easter. I thought he grew old extra quick, because he was the son of God and that.

Also, I thought the Pope was like Father Christmas.

"So, Mum," I said. "There's only ever been one Father Christmas, right?"

"Yeah," she said.

"He never gets older, and he never dies."

"Yeah."

"It's the same man."

"Yep."

"Always, even in the Olden Days."

"Yes."

"He doesn't die?"

"Nope."

"So when they talk about Father Christmas in the Olden Days, it's the same one as nowadays`"

"Yes, exactly, Cinty," said my mum, encouragingly. "He's immortal."

I sighed. "Just like that Pope man, huh? He's never died, either. They had him in the Olden Days."

"Erm, no Cint."

"Yeah, Mum. He was in the Olden Days with King Henry VIII! He was! He's like Father Christmas."

"No, no, Cint," my mum said, politely. "They change the Pope sometimes. When one of them dies they get another one to do it."

"Oh," I said, almost disappointed, really. "I thought he was like Father Christmas."

Plus, I used to really think a lot about the dinosaurs. A lot. I had this book all about the dinosaurs and how the palaeontologists worked out how big they were from checking out their fossils and that. I couldn't – FOR THE LIFE OF ME – work out how they could tell from fossils what their names were.

"This one was called Allosaurus," my mum would say, pointing.

I'd pout, all sceptical. "How do they KNOW what they called each other?" I'd demand. And she'd just cackle at me.

Now I'm a grown-up, I know what she was thinking. She was thinking: "Fucking HELL. Children. Are. Fucking. Idiots. Sometimes."

by

October 17, 2011

Comments (20)

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To the historian commenter again

I realize the historians disagree on who started the census in the whole birth of Jesus episode, but do they agree on whether it was carried out in preparation for the Second World War or not? Why did you not address this? It must say it somewhere in all those history books you've read.

Benjamin Knight more than 2 years ago

@Jacinta

Your son has a point about Germanic "economic interface", though. I LOVE how I can get (literally) sheared at a German hair-dresser without having to go through the small-talk routine of holidays, previous jobs, weather, Master Chef, or (in case of Liverpool) who's doing time for what - then just get up, and pay! Yey!

Mike more than 2 years ago

@Melly

I am a child of the world

Yacinta more than 2 years ago

Are you really a Brit?

you write like Americans talk. Are you sure you're from East London?

melly more than 2 years ago

There's nothing wrong with cursing

but when it's used to compensate for poorly written crap like that, it loses any of its humour value.

beef curtains more than 2 years ago

The anti-cursing posters...

...have a lot of hang-ups.

Fannyman more than 2 years ago

hungry

Man I want to eat that sausage.

jack more than 2 years ago

I love you Berlin but you're getting me down

Oh, swearing, how very avant-garde, a sure sign of a poorly executed filler piece like this is the liberal use of the f-bomb.
No doubt the author felt incredibly brilliant tapping that out on her MacBook whilst sitting in a cafe surrounded by hoards of other morons tapping out similarly vapid diatribes.

beef curtains more than 2 years ago

iss doch eh wurst

i enjoy se humor of se brits. senk you very much indeed, darling.

wurstbonbon more than 2 years ago

Thing is

I was gonna write "Herald" and then I thought "Hang on, his name wasn't Herald, was it?" So I googled it and got Herod. As if I can remember what I learnt in Assembly in 198fucking7

Jacinta more than 2 years ago

Fanny-flaps

If the historians disagree, how do you know it wasn't Herod?

Benjamin Knight more than 2 years ago

@Offended

I am offended by your lameness...and your inappropriate capitalisation. Leave off. The woman has a point.

more than 2 years ago

Fair point...

As a caring parent, I thoroughly enjoyed your post, Amok. However, you forgot to mention how utterly moronic babies are.

Dad more than 2 years ago

Offended

Children are our Future, this is very Disrespectful. I Am Offended For All Children Out There

more than 2 years ago

Offended

children are our Future, this is very Disrespectful, I Am Offended

more than 2 years ago

Please,

King herod didn't call the census, it was called (the historians disagree) by the governor Quirinius under the reign of Augustus. Is it possible to write an article without copious swearing and abuse? If it were, interesting articles would be a whole lot more readable.

Andrew Smith more than 2 years ago

Enjoyed!

Haha I really enjoyed this.

Anonymous more than 2 years ago

Amok Mama: full of horseshit

I've read several of Amok Mama's "contributions" and am convinced she is incapable of writing anything that is not utter horseshit. Complete waste of space and an embarrassment to ExBerliner.

William more than 2 years ago

come on man,its bad enough you're a veggy

fake and gay

more than 2 years ago

U'RE AN IDIOT, GROW UP

WTF??? I'M SHOCKED, BURN IN HELL

more than 2 years ago

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