October 31, 2011

Do you like this?

The thing is I really despise the Americanization of European society – although, actually, having said that, I do like shopping centres. They’re so warm and bright, aren’t they? They’re a very good idea, really. All my German friends hate them – if I had €1 for every time a German person complained to me about how hideous and impersonal and despicable shopping centres are, I’d be able to buy myself Botox, permanent make-up and a new pair of tits for Christmas. So, I do like shopping centres.

And McDonald’s. Also Pizza Hut. And Starbucks.

Okay, I don’t really despise the Americanization of European society that much, I just resent it, mildly. Especially Hallowe’en.

I hate Hallowe’en. You take evil – you take the concept of evil, like actual true evil – and then you cover it in sugar and put on a silly wig and give everybody diabetes. YUCK. I hate Hallowe’en. I want my evil to be earthy and dark and smell like an old rotten potato, or my boyfriend’s armpit when he hasn’t had a shower for two days. I don’t want my evil to be plastic. I don’t want my evil to be, like, a zombie ladybird. I don’t want my evil to be NICE. That’s crap. That’s just totally rubbish.  

And Hallowe’en in Germany is especially crappy and tragic and desperate and depressing. I remember one year, up in the north of Berlin. Me and Rico rang on this guy’s door and he came to the door and he just kind of huffed at us. Then he shuffled away, without saying anything, and then came back and silently handed us a half-eaten packet of Mentos, before shutting the door as quickly as possible. He just gave us them Mentos to make us go away. He just wanted us to leave him alone. That was why he gave us the Mentos. It was fucking depressing.  

“I hate Hallowe’en,” my friend said to me. “You do it in England?”

“Nah,” I said. “Or maybe a bit, but not really. Yeah, it’s shit, isn’t it?”

“I thought you did it in England.”

“Nah, it’s American.”

“It’s shit. It’s all about terrorizing people into giving you chocolate.”

“If we were actually terrorizing people it would be okay. But everyone’s just shuffling half-heartedly through Lidl, buying a few chocolate bats for the kids, just coz they’re so into it.”

“Yeah,” my friend said. “The kids are so into it.”

“Yeah,” I admitted reluctantly. “Rico loves it.”

“Paul, too.”

We looked at each other and grimaced. If only kids had taste.  

Still. One of the reasons I hate Hallowe’en so much is because it has just basically WON against Guy Fawkes Night, and Guy Fawkes Night is seriously wicked. I love it. He was probably innocent, the poor fucker. I seriously love Bonfire Night. And Hallowe’en has just WON.

I bet most Germans don’t even know what Guy Fawkes night is. I bet Angela Merkel doesn’t even know what Guy Fawkes Night is. And I bet she knows about Hallowe’en. Half-heartedly. FUCK.  

But I have to admit, Hallowe’en is still better than Lanternenfest. That Lanternenfest is A LOAD OF SHITE ON A PLATE. It is so crap. I seriously pray to God at night that I will never be so well-integrated that I enjoy it. Lanternenfest is seriously bollocks. All it is, is you walk round the block. You walk round the fucking block. That’s all it is, that’s all you do. You walk round the fucking block.

No, sorry, I shouldn’t be too negative: sometimes, if you’re having loads of fun, you get to walk round the block twice. Oooooooooh. The kids have some shitty lanterns what they bustled at school in their hands, ooooooooh. They sing a really shit song. This song is so annoying, imagine that “Friday” song by that poor little Rebecca Black girl mixed with everything ever sung by Katy Perry and then times the annoyingness factor by hundred and then you will know how annoying the lantern fest song is.

The adults always look at you and smile sheepishly and say: “It’s even more fun in the countryside, of course.” The correct Knigge-approved response is one of total shock: “More fun that THIS? Is that even possible?” Then you go into the school and kindergarten, hand in the lantern, and go home. It is crap. You don't even get a cup of fucking tea. It is a crap festival. It is rubbish. They should abschaffen it as quickly as possible.

They should just give all the children in Germany torches. American ones. With tiny little bat stickers stuck all over them.


October 31, 2011

Comments (10)

Comment Feed

The 'Lantern'-thing...

... It's like the American thing, but older. Like everything else in Europe:'s_Day

Mike more than 2 years ago

@Gina Sophia

Gargh! Grammar? Spelling?

Mike more than 2 years ago

The lantern thing

Hey, I never really knew what the lantern thing was all about! I hate commercial Halloween, too. It's a shame, because I grew up in the sixties in America when everyone had homemade costumes and nutty parents who sat out on their porches in zombie, witch or scarecrow costumes and tired to scare us all to death as we walked door to door. Lot of real fun.

Helena more than 2 years ago


WOW, I really can't believe that there are so many people who can't find this humorous. I'm American and just spent my first Halloween in Berlin and I found it incredibly amusing, albeit very different. I personally love your writing style: it's caustic and precise, and the others who bashed you obviously don't understand the concept of English stylistics, i.e., repetition, etc. Whether I or anyone else agrees with your opinions or not, just as in all art, people must open their eyes to see it and even if they find it ugly, they must still appreciate it as art, which is what people who have previously posted are incapable of doing, seeing as how they are completely incompetent. Thank you for this piece. I want more!

Zak Mojito more than 2 years ago


I respect everybody's different style of writing but this just feels like a rant. You live in Berlin! Your telling me that you work for an English written magazine and out of all the employees you can't find one "American" to show you how fun Halloween can be? If this is what you sound like, you should be lucky you got a single mentos.

California guy more than 2 years ago


"So, I do like shopping centres.
And McDonald’s. Also Pizza Hut. And Starbucks." - yeah, and that ss what you´re writing like: absolut uninspiring.

Gina Sophia more than 2 years ago

Hallowe'en v Bonfire Night

The Americanised Hallowe'en in Berlin is as aesthetically distasteful as Bonfire Night is just wrong, wrong, wrong. Evil celebrations when the clocks are turned back! Interesting to see that Guy (via Occupy The Steps of St Paul's) has got off the Bonfire and is causing some local difficulty in the Church of England.

dalry_scum more than 2 years ago


Agh! Exberliner. Please stop publishing this woman's unfunny, inarticulate rants. They're not remotely entertaining.

ella more than 2 years ago


not American. People keep saying that, but's it's untrue. And Lanternenfest is very nice, you killjoy. What was in your tea this morning?

Maurice T Frank more than 2 years ago

Whta is this?

This is a seriously depressing article...not in the least entertaining. Keep rants like that to yourself, if you want to just get rif of aggression, open your kitchen window and shout it out. But don't write it down.

Isa more than 2 years ago

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