The thing is I really despise the Americanization of European society – although, actually, having said that, I do like shopping centres. They’re so warm and bright, aren’t they? They’re a very good idea, really. All my German friends hate them – if I had €1 for every time a German person complained to me about how hideous and impersonal and despicable shopping centres are, I’d be able to buy myself Botox, permanent make-up and a new pair of tits for Christmas. So, I do like shopping centres.
And McDonald’s. Also Pizza Hut. And Starbucks.
Okay, I don’t really despise the Americanization of European society that much, I just resent it, mildly. Especially Hallowe’en.
I hate Hallowe’en. You take evil – you take the concept of evil, like actual true evil – and then you cover it in sugar and put on a silly wig and give everybody diabetes. YUCK. I hate Hallowe’en. I want my evil to be earthy and dark and smell like an old rotten potato, or my boyfriend’s armpit when he hasn’t had a shower for two days. I don’t want my evil to be plastic. I don’t want my evil to be, like, a zombie ladybird. I don’t want my evil to be NICE. That’s crap. That’s just totally rubbish.
And Hallowe’en in Germany is especially crappy and tragic and desperate and depressing. I remember one year, up in the north of Berlin. Me and Rico rang on this guy’s door and he came to the door and he just kind of huffed at us. Then he shuffled away, without saying anything, and then came back and silently handed us a half-eaten packet of Mentos, before shutting the door as quickly as possible. He just gave us them Mentos to make us go away. He just wanted us to leave him alone. That was why he gave us the Mentos. It was fucking depressing.
“I hate Hallowe’en,” my friend said to me. “You do it in England?”
“Nah,” I said. “Or maybe a bit, but not really. Yeah, it’s shit, isn’t it?”
“I thought you did it in England.”
“Nah, it’s American.”
“It’s shit. It’s all about terrorizing people into giving you chocolate.”
“If we were actually terrorizing people it would be okay. But everyone’s just shuffling half-heartedly through Lidl, buying a few chocolate bats for the kids, just coz they’re so into it.”
“Yeah,” my friend said. “The kids are so into it.”
“Yeah,” I admitted reluctantly. “Rico loves it.”
We looked at each other and grimaced. If only kids had taste.
Still. One of the reasons I hate Hallowe’en so much is because it has just basically WON against Guy Fawkes Night, and Guy Fawkes Night is seriously wicked. I love it. He was probably innocent, the poor fucker. I seriously love Bonfire Night. And Hallowe’en has just WON.
I bet most Germans don’t even know what Guy Fawkes night is. I bet Angela Merkel doesn’t even know what Guy Fawkes Night is. And I bet she knows about Hallowe’en. Half-heartedly. FUCK.
But I have to admit, Hallowe’en is still better than Lanternenfest. That Lanternenfest is A LOAD OF SHITE ON A PLATE. It is so crap. I seriously pray to God at night that I will never be so well-integrated that I enjoy it. Lanternenfest is seriously bollocks. All it is, is you walk round the block. You walk round the fucking block. That’s all it is, that’s all you do. You walk round the fucking block.
No, sorry, I shouldn’t be too negative: sometimes, if you’re having loads of fun, you get to walk round the block twice. Oooooooooh. The kids have some shitty lanterns what they bustled at school in their hands, ooooooooh. They sing a really shit song. This song is so annoying, imagine that “Friday” song by that poor little Rebecca Black girl mixed with everything ever sung by Katy Perry and then times the annoyingness factor by hundred and then you will know how annoying the lantern fest song is.
The adults always look at you and smile sheepishly and say: “It’s even more fun in the countryside, of course.” The correct Knigge-approved response is one of total shock: “More fun that THIS? Is that even possible?” Then you go into the school and kindergarten, hand in the lantern, and go home. It is crap. You don't even get a cup of fucking tea. It is a crap festival. It is rubbish. They should abschaffen it as quickly as possible.
They should just give all the children in Germany torches. American ones. With tiny little bat stickers stuck all over them.