by Jacinta Nandi

September 24, 2012

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Contraception

Photo by Surija / "Sray" (Gnarls Monkey; Flickr CC)

"So, Jacinta," says a German boy I know at a party. "What kind of contraception do you use? Are you on the pill, or does your boyfriend still wear condoms, or do you have a cap or one of those coil type things?"

I try to squint nonchalantly at him, like the question is so boring, it's almost blinded me.

"I can't believe you asked that," I say. "That's not socially acceptable. You can't go around asking people that kind of thing at a party."

"I'm just trying to be all modern and Anglo-Saxon and open-minded and relaxed. You're always going on about how Germans are all repressed and so on."

"I am not."

"Yes you are. Every seventh blog you write is about how repressed the German people are. So, tell me what kind of contraception you use."

"I knew you didn't read my blog," I say. "I've never called the Germans repressed, ever. Ha. I just say you're crap at small talk and rhyme too much in adverts – which is totally true."

"Come on, tell me. You're on the pill, aren't you?"

"I'm not going to tell you."

"Or have you got a coil?"

I look at him, aghast. "I'm not old enough for a coil!" I cry, outraged.

He winces sympathetically. "I hate to hurt your feelings, but you totally are, actually, to be honest. Okay then, let's talk about menstruation. Do you use tampons, sanitary towels or those cup things?"

"Those cup things? What cup things?"

"You know, those eco cup things you can bleed into and then you can just take them out and rinse them out and then you can re-use them."

"No," I say. "I use a combination of tampons and sanny pads. And I've never used a cup thing in my life. I think they're misogynistic."

"You think those cup things are misogynistic?"

"Yes, they're essentially misogynistic."

"What would you say if I told you they were invented by a woman?"

"I'd say she was a misogynistic cunt. Were they?"

"No idea."

"Hmmmm, I bet they were, as well. Well, I think all that natural birth stuff is misogynistic, too, and that breastfeeding fascism. It's just punishing women for having bodies. It's total bollocks. Men never try and have a natural experience at the dentist, do they? 'I want to have my tooth out in as natural a way as possible. Instead of painkillers, just play the sound of some dolphins farting in the background, I'm sure I'll be fine.'"

"Yeah, but you're not worried about your teeth coming out all whacked out and spacky from the painkillers – that's the difference, isn't it?"

"That's the excuse, more like."

"I love it when you get all feminist. You're just so paranoid. It's really enjoyable talking to you."

I grin. "Oh," I say. “Thanks. I do try my best, really I do."

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by Jacinta Nandi

September 24, 2012

Latest Comments

  • miscarriages

    Everyone's getting much more open about miscarriages now, in Britain too. I think we're in a transitional phase regarding miscarriages as appropriate conversational topic, I think it might be due to child mortality rates and that, when more babies died at birth, a miscarriage seemed more like a stillborn/dead baby, now that's not happening so much, so it seems less, I dunno....sinister. I don't mind, either, to be honest. I quite like it when people talk to you about their miscarriages and stuff. But I hate it when Germans cry, Jakob. I'm always going on about Germans not having any emotions, but when they start crying I don't know what the FUCK to say, I'm really good when other nationalities cry but when Germans cry I just panic. I start saying stuff like: Stop crying. Please don't cry.

    Posted by Jacinta Nandi September 29, 2012 22:49:47

  • Word!

    Germans totally suck at small talk. We just hosted our son's 7th birthday party and during the typical pick-up beer (nice group, easy atmosphere, we were loosely waiting for the departure signalling first child to cry) and exchanging date of birth-stories (mine at 7 am - oh boy! he still get's up early, blah, blah, blah) she says totally cheerful, ostentativly continuing the small talk "Yeah, but it still beats a miscariage which I had last week. That really sucked."
    I tell you, nobody waited for the first child to cry after that.
    So weird! There was no sign of trauma or repressed wish of opening up, anything like that. Maybe I would have been polite to ask about her contraception, then again that might have been even more out of place.

    Posted by Jakob September 29, 2012 21:44:59

  • don't mention the war

    as a male, i consider myself an expert on the subject.

    personally, i'm all for more packaging on these feminine things. it's always a relief to find the little clear tampon wrappers on the bathroom floor or the massive "peel off this side first" pad-papers in the bin. at least then you know:

    a) you can now mention the time of the month, the moon, or her aunt flo visiting without being accused of being an insensitive arsehole.
    b) you were right, she was just pms'ing.

    Posted by herr onymous September 25, 2012 13:20:57

  • Sort yourself out ?

    'That Mitchell & Webb Look' summed it up nicely:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85HT4Om6JT4

    Posted by Mike September 25, 2012 10:27:13

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