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June 4, 2012

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Q I have a younger girlfriend (I am 32, she is 24) who I’ve been dating for a year now. Up until three months ago, I was pretty much a drug addict. My sobriety has been an uphill battle, but I am sticking to my guns as my life was crumbling. Only downside I can see so far is the fact that she only lets me fuck her in her ass if I get her high on cocaine. Now I am not allowed to even be around the stuff (or any other drugs/alcohol) at all, so there is no way of me getting her what she seems to require in trade for my bum fun. Should I just have my dealer contact her directly or beg her to give me another option? She is being rather selfish and adamant about this, and this situation has pulled the brakes on our rather racy sex life. I would be grateful for your insight.  Bobby Brown

A She is being “selfish” because she demands coke for anal sex? Interesting point of view you have. How about just not fucking her ass? Clearly she does not like it very much and therefore has to be high to tolerate it – otherwise she would just let you pound away unconditionally. The only selfish aspect I can see from her side is the fact that you are trying your best to stay sober and she is still demanding drugs. If you truly want to change and stay sober, you may also have to change your partner, because sometimes changing an old habit requires changing the environment in which the habits were taking place, as well as the people with whom they took place. If she really loved you she would support your ritual of avoiding drugs, and if you really loved her, you would see her high price for the ass poundings could mean she really dislikes it and needs to be numb in every way, shape and form to endure it (OR she could just be a coke whore and you were too blind/high to notice before). I think it’s safe to say this is a toxic relationship at this point, and you should be single for a while just to work on yourself first, then slowly allow yourself to start dating – hopefully someone compatible and sober. Tell your girlfriend her price is too high for you to pay.

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 Q Dear Dr. Dot, I was coming home the other day from school on the U-Bahn and overheard three business men bragging about how many women they shag behind their wives backs. I was wearing headphones (but music stopped) and sunglasses so these tossers hadn’t a clue I was listening. They went on and on about how their wives had no idea what “working late” really meant and were laughing out loud about playing mind games with the ladies, etc. I was furious and wanted to twat them all in the face but I was alone and they seemed drunk so I just bit my lip as I pitied their poor clueless wives. The comment the one ringleader made really stuck in my head: “Oh, the guilt eventually wears off!” he chuckled. Is this really what it’s come to nowadays? No real love anymore? Just fun and games at the loyal one’s expense? Whatever happened to true love, trust, monogamy, family and commitment? Jaded Jill

A I’d like to think all of those things (love, commitment, trust, etc.) still exist; they are just not to be found in drunken, loud groups of men. Of COURSE they are going to stretch their stories a bit in front of their mates, just like little children do in school to impress. Take comfort knowing that what goes around in fact, comes around and if they ARE as promiscuous as they claim, they will slip up and spoil their good thing at home. If you are careful in choosing a partner, you will be rewarded with one who treats you the way you treat him. There are plenty of romantic, grateful, loyal men out there who are usually found in the oddest places – not in the obvious ones like clubs/parties/bars. They are everywhere (the postman, waiter, taxi driver, computer geek, fitness trainer, etc.). So keep your eyes peeled, and don’t let the loud, abrasive bragging assholes piss on your love parade.

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Q Doc, my boyfriend is getting progressively fatter as time marches on. When we met three years ago, he had washboard abs and I couldn’t keep my hands off of him. Now when I am on my knees blowing him, I can’t see his face (or even his head!). All I can see is his gut hanging over my face. When we fuck doggy style, I can feel him resting his gut on my ass! This is making me sick. He is very sensitive and gets defensive when he is wrong in an argument or if I point out a mistake, so I know for sure he would be crushed if I managed to find a way to tell him what a turnoff his belly is. I just wanted to vent to you and maybe get some feedback. Please. Gutted Gabby

A Would YOU like it if he was suffering silently about one of your flaws or would you want him to be open and honest with you and tell you the truth if something about YOU made him “sick”? I am guessing you would prefer the latter. It’s all about HOW you break this to him. Next time a birthday/occasion rolls around, buy him a membership to a fitness studio near your flat (so you can join him if he wants); tell him one of your old friends died of a heart attack because he was overweight; insist that you go for really long power walks each night instead of doing whatever it was that led to his weight gain; buy a few full length mirrors and start coaxing him to fuck you in front of them so he can see the same lovely sight you have to see; buy season passes at the closest swimming pool and convince him to go with you three times a week for 20 minutes of laps. All of these are great ideas to whip your honey back into shape without actually coming right out and saying, “You fat fuck! I can’t see your face anymore when I’m on my knees!” You could also just leave this copy of Exberliner around the flat and hope he reads this Q&A. You’re so vain, you probably think this Q&A is about you, don’t you, don’t you, don’t you?

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June 4, 2012

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