Q So I finally did things the correct way, dating a man for a while before fucking or sucking him. He is 30, very attractive and hilarious – makes me laugh till it hurts. We started with oral, and when I got down there, I found a mini-penis attached to him. What? Such a disappointment. I would feel like a cunt if I broke up with him due to his teenie weenie. (It does get hard occasionally: he has diabetes and it appears that makes a difference.) I will never find the right man. If they are well hung, they’ll be arrogant. When they are kind – sure enough, willy the size of a thumb. Am I shallow? -Goldie Cocks
A You can help his cock out by fucking him on the floor. Throw a thick blanket (so you don’t bang up your knees) down, put a pillow under his ass vertically and squat on him. This will ensure you get every millimeter of his manhood up inside you. As far as him being soft due to diabetes goes, you can ask him in a sexy way to try some Viagra for you. It’s OK for a young, fit man to try it once in a while (the older, heavier men with weaker hearts are the ones who need to be very careful). If you really like this guy (it sounds like you do), try and help him out a bit. After all, sex usually doesn’t last more than two hours a day, so it’s a good idea to be with someone who can also stimulate your mind for the other 22… not just your snatch.
Q I don’t really have a problem, just fishing for some tips on how to spoil my woman. We’ve been together for four months now and sex is good, but it seems to be plateauing. Tell me how to blow her mind, Doc. Seriously. -Son of Suzy Cream Cheese
A Try and make sure neither of you are full. Having sex on an empty stomach works best: there’s more blood for your genitals. Get your room candle-lit and put some Jimi Hendrix (or Prince) music on for her. Tell her to just lie there and let you spoil her. Massage her with some warm oil; her feet, legs, rump. Then when you get to the back, before you put any oil on her, start nibbling her back gently with your teeth. No tiny pinching bites – big, firm-but-not-too-hard grasps, just enough to make her feel delicious enough to eat. Go up and down her back, avoiding the spine and bony areas. Then massage her with the oil. Roll her over and nibble her inner thighs. Lick them from knee to crotch with big, long, firm, tongue strokes. But make sure you take your time before diving into her pussy. Make her yearn for you. The longer you spend working on her body, the hungrier and hornier she will grow. You know what to do next.
Q I have been with my partner for six years and we have a kid. I have recently found out that over the last 12 months, she has often had sex with someone else. She even had a threesome with him and another guy. Is there any way that we can work stuff out and still be a couple? -Bamboozled by Love
A Well, you certainly cannot trust her anymore, because she kept it a secret from you. You need to decide how important sex is to you both. If you have a very deep connection and get along really well outside the bedroom – and she treats you well – you may want to overlook her sexual habits (or join in on them). However, if you are the jealous type and the thought of your woman sucking off some other guy really gets under your skin, you may have to leave her. It will be easier for you to find another woman than it will be for her to find a man to take her seriously. Forbidding her from fucking other men would just be a huge waste of time. She would probably promise it right to your face but still shag around behind your back, so it really boils down to this: can you live with an open relationship or not, as she likes a variation of cock.
Q For a year, I’ve been with a Scottish bloke. We’ve known each other since childhood: he moved away 20 years ago and recently found me online. We talked; caught up. He was married and has a son, and I was married and also have a son. After a while, we noticed that it clicked. And the first time we saw each other again... BOOM! Since then, we were just so good together. Everything was right: humor, talking and insanely hot sex. His son likes me; my son digs him. Brilliant. We’d both gone through our shit and saw that this was a good thing happening. So we’ve been going back and forth to see each other. He can’t leave cause he has a business there, and my son goes to a fantastic school and I’ve a great job here. I’m still keen, but he’s turned “cooler”. He doesn’t call much – he used to go overboard and I’m spoilt from it, but now it’s next to nothing. I don’t wanna nag, cause that’s not me, but at the same time I don’t wanna just let it slip. He says he loves me but he’s “overwhelmed”. His business had a setback and it’s making him grumpy. It’s like he gave me a drug for a year and now it’s cold turkey. What does a woman do, who wants her bloke to love her like before? I don’t recall ever feeling this way. I’m frustrated and not sure how to react. -Maggie Mae
A Men usually put work first, so if they love their work and all is going well with work, they are happy and it is easy for them to treat their loved ones well. If work is shit, their mood turns to shit and they just do not have the energy or desire to be overly nice to anyone. Just keep busy and if he gets in touch, do not mention the lack of communication, just be happy to hear from him. You two went all those years without contact and were still OK: what’s a week or two with no contact now? All relationships chill out after a while, and yeah, that sucks as that “drug” is oh-so-fucking-awesome, but it isn’t reality. Let him do his thing and come to you when he needs you. Do NOT nag, whine, cry or mention it, just keep busy and you will be the “different” woman who doesn’t give him shit. Join a yoga class, learn how to massage, belly dance etc – anything to prevent him from being the center of your universe. First comes you, then your son, THEN him. If he still doesn’t come bouncing back, you will still be fit and happy because of all the new shit you’ve been busy learning, and that will make you attractive to the next lucky fucker who comes your way.