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May 8, 2012

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Q Doc, my wife is five months pregnant (our first), and my balls are turning blue. She says she has zero sex drive but I am, as usual, randy as ever. She does indulge me a few times a week with oral sex, but I only get an in-and-out about once a week. I love her madly and don’t want to stray, but I need more sex or I may end up doing something I regret. She also tells me intercourse may harm the baby, which leaves me feeling guilty for thinking of my loins first. Help me out here, please. Throw me a bone, mate! Randy Andy

A Intercourse will not harm the baby as it is protected by the amniotic sac, fluid and uterine wall. The cervix is closed and has a ‘mucus plug’ to protect baby and uterus. However, I heard that blowing into a pregnant woman’s vagina could cause harm (an air embolism could form), so avoid that. Thing is, you need to get her in the mood for sex. I have said it a million times, but massaging a woman’s feet will pretty much get you anything you want. Pamper her first. THEN she may be more inclined to let you have your wicked way with her. If she keeps sticking to the “it may harm the baby” blurb, go sit in front of your computer with her and Google it. And if she STILL refuses intercourse, tell her giving you more head will tide you over, won’t it? If not, remember, wanking is great exercise and she is giving you the best gift on earth: a mini-you.

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Q Trying to be vague, but I am married to a rather famous well-hung pop star. We have three children together, and I am often alone and home with said kids whilst he tours the world. When we first met, he was not famous. He was a humble, artistic, generous man – the man I fell in love with. Now, he is very famous and has seemingly turned into a sketchy egomaniac. In between tours, he comes home and seems to keep up his pop star attitude and I tend to try and bring him down a notch, which has made him to sort of resent me. To add to this drama, I found a very racy photo of a hot, nearly nude blonde woman on his Iphone. He said she adores and understands him, and he has hinted at wanting an affair with this groupie whore. I keep tabs on his Twitter and Facebook accounts but cannot find her. This has turned me into a jealous spy type and I am climbing the walls here. He confuses me, as he also tells me he loves me and wants more kids with me. Do I need to start taking meds here or should I see a shrink? Going out of my fucking mind. Golden Caged Carrie

A Performers usually find it hard to be weaned off of the ego stroking and adrenalin that comes with being on stage. They go through withdrawal symptoms once the filming has stopped, once the tour is over. They get SO high off their fans and ass kissers that it really hurts when they hit the ground called reality. As difficult as it may be, you may need to nurse his ego when he is home. I would do this in the bedroom if I were you. LOTS of praise and stroking (ego and genitals combined) to keep your artist satisfied. Otherwise, women like the hot blonde seem to remain in their thoughts as the one who “understands them”. These types he meets on the road don’t have to scrape his dinner plate or pick up his dirty clothes off the floor, so it is easy for them to worship your mortal man. Avoid the temptations of popping pills, spying, jealous fits and paying money for a therapist to sit there, listen and nod. You’re one of the millions of women married to alpha males who have lots of opportunities due to their careers. It must be difficult (it’s why I never married a pop star), but hey, there are also perks of having such a successful man, let’s not forget. Best to save your energy for the kids, your future and pampering your man when he does come home. You want him to yearn to see you, not regret coming home. Keep the praising in the bedroom though, so he will equate being alone with you with heaven for him and his two big heads.

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Q Please reply to me ASAP! I am a Canadian living here in Berlin only for two months taking a German course. Back home I live with my fiancé. We have been engaged for three years now but have been in a monogamous relationship for seven years. Imagine my shock when I arrived here in Berlin and unpacked my suitcase (well, it is actually his suitcase that he always uses when he goes off on business trips) to find three condoms (unopened). I am so infuriated right now but have not said anything to him about it yet. Not sure if I should call him, write him, scream at him, question him or leave him. This has ruined my whole trip and I need guidance immediately. I don’t know anyone here and can’t speak German yet. Help please. Confused Kanuk

A You’ve spent seven years with this man, clearly in hopes of marriage, yet he still has not sealed the deal. It seems as if he is stalling, and now we know why. The only explanation for him having condoms in his suitcase for “business trips” is him needing/using protection while he is away from you. Or perhaps he is simply afraid of being raped? NOT. Keep your cool and have a think about the years you’ve invested. Does he treat you well? Take care of you? Is he easy to get along with? If yes, you may be able to get over this and nudge him in the right direction. If “no” (as in, he is a lazy, ungrateful prick), then use this trip as a time to move on. I would set up a Skype chat with him, so you can SEE his reaction when you look him dead in the eyes and say, “by the way honey, those condoms came in handy, thanks.”

by

May 8, 2012

Comments (3)

Comment Feed

LOVES IT

Quite your whining, her advice is still as fresh as ever. Haters!

Rory O'Brien more than 1 years ago

Couldn't agree more

with above comment. Your advice in the first two letters is chauvinist cr**.

Strids more than 1 years ago

Oh, come on!

I used to think of this column as fresh and humorous, but this is the biggest load of bullshit ever. A pregnant woman who gives head a couple of times a week and fucks her husband on a regular basis should give more?! And there really ARE medical reasons for not having too much sex during the last trimester. Stroking a pop stars ego while he's giving hints of wanting an affair?! What happened to talking and working on a relationship together? Get a fucking grip women, and stand up for yourselves. Really.

libra84 more than 1 years ago

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