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Konrad Werner: Chewing the CDU

The CDU has done a cow-based campaign video. It cud almost make you vote for them.

I’m probably not going to vote for the CDU in the elections on May 25. But if I lived in Ahaus, North Rhine-Westphalia I have to admit I’d be tempted to pitch my Stimmzettel for the local council candidates who did this cow-based campaign above. I mean, how bad can a party really be if they’re pro-cow? It’s awakened by sympathy because they A) decided that the cow is the one animal that represents the main qualities of their party, which is exactly right – docile, solid, heavy – and more importantly B) they like cows. They admire it for the noble creature it is. That counts as a good thing nowadays.

My favourite elements of the video are:

  • No attempt was made to create the illusion that the cow does anything by its own volition. The bank robbers are only foiled because the farmer led the cow to the entrance of the Sparkasse and they accidentally get their clothing caught on its horns. I don’t think anyone can really take the credit for preventing this crime. The farmer definitely shouldn’t take the credit, because he disappears at the first sign of trouble, leaving the cow to fend for itself. It was really a one-a-million-shot if he meant to put the cow where it would get its horns snagged.
  • The man who handcuffs the bank robbers was not dressed as a policeman. He’s just a guy. Maybe one of the Sparkasse customers. Who happens to have handcuffs on him.
  • The child that the cow saves from the river was in no danger at all. It was not an emergency situation.
  • Both the man and the child give the cow a friendly punch in the horn and say, “Danke, CDU.” The brief flinch is the only point when the cow offers any reaction to anything that is happening to it.
  • At the end of the video, when the farmer tries to encourage the reluctant cow to go back to its pen, four old men appear in Reservoir Dogs-style slow motion and push it in. There is no explanation for this. I really hope it was meant as a tribute to Reservoir Dogs.

But what does it really mean?