Weak dicks

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Q Why do so many women say they want one type of guy (the nice, sensitive, caring guy) yet always seem to respond to a more unsavoury type (rude, mean, selfish bastards)? Mystified Marty

A Those types of people, who gravitate towards partners who treat them like shit, subconsciously feel they do NOT deserve to be treated well, so there is no point in trying to convince them that they DO deserve to be treated well, as only they can decide that.

It takes some a few months, some a few years and some never learn. Like trying to wean an addict off smack, it only works when the one addicted to the drug or bad treatment stands up and says, “I deserve better.” It’s not worth wasting time on people who do not appreciate your efforts and good treatment… unless you crave tireless drama.


Q I was lured to Berlin from Ireland from an off-and-on boyfriend. He promised me a year ago that if I moved here, we would wed, get a bigger place (his is mad small) and start a family. Now he is singing a different tune: “I am well comfortable in this tiny, inexpensive flat” and “I’m not bothered about a wedding now. We have each other – why change things?”

Thing is, I am very keen on getting married, have been ever since I was a young lass. His flat is so small, we are driving each other mad. I have since fallen in love with Berlin and plan on staying, but am up in arms about these broken promises. I suppose there is no answer per se, but some advice would cheer me up a bit. Fed-up Fallon

A “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” comes to mind upon reading your letter. It is so incredibly inexpensive to rent a room here in Berlin, why not move out, into a WG or even your own flat (still ridiculously cheap), and take a stand?

This could only lead to good things: it will make you stronger AND at the same time, you will find out if the relationship is worth saving. It’s not hard to find work in Berlin if you’re an Irish woman (pretty much any of the Irish pubs will hire you). He may moan about it at first, but you could tell him his flat is too small and you need space to re-evaluate the situation from afar. If he can live without you, let him.


Q My boyfriend likes hanging out with his friends more than our son and me, so what does that mean? He says he is more of an “outdoorsy” type and needs to be out. Baby-Mama Magda

A It amplifies the word BOY in boyfriend. I suggest making hanging out with you more fun (massages, home-cooked meals or get a babysitter and go out and do something you both love). Perhaps he will become an “indoorsy” type if you blow him daily. If none of that helps, there are plenty of real men who would love to have a lovely, experienced woman by their side, especially in this weather.


Q I have got a situation! I’m a 40-something American chick in a fairly new relationship with a British guy. So far he strikes me as emotionally mature, smart and kind. He’s also pretty respectful, polite and reserved. It may or may not be a ‘British thing’, but the way I see it, a man is a man. Things have recently started to become more physical.

He’s a great kisser and foreplay is lots of fun, but so far, actual sex isn’t really working. It’s the age-old problem of Condom-Induced Limp Dick. His body seems to work fine until that moment of truth. It sounds snotty, but I’m not really wanting to have to babysit his dick just to make sure we can fuck. I know men in their forties don’t spring wood like they did in their twenties and thirties, but sometimes if I’m ‘working’ too hard on the guy, I kind of switch off.

Should I suggest Viagra? If so, how? With time, maybe things will work out. Then again, I dated a guy once for TWO FRIGGING YEARS, and the sex never got better. Good ol’ 69 seemed to work okay, but after awhile, it occurred to me that I was still constantly having to babysit that thang.

How do you know at what point you’re wasting your pocket change, throwing coins into a broken vending machine that’s never going to give you that soda?? Guys have it so easy. They fuck, they get off. When they get older and need a hand, they expect head. It’s not a bonus or a special treat, like they like to portray it when they give us head. Any thoughts? Sylvia Slunt

A Being 40-something, you should know that a great, single man is hard to find. So if that is his only shortcoming, I would work on this relationship. Not only do you need to give the love time to grow, you may need to give his stiffy time to grow.

Once/if you two decide to get tested and become strictly monogamous, you can give bareback a whirl. Perhaps once Willy is freed, he will rise to the occasion when you need him to.

Even though safe sex is the way to go and should be practised faithfully, condoms are a cock’s biggest nightmare. (How would YOU like to be suffocated in a tight rubber bag with no air holes while being plunged head first into a dark, wet hole?) If you are too impatient to take the relationship to the monogamous zone, you can coax him into asking his doctor for some Viagra.

You say his body works “fine until that moment of truth”, so I happen to believe his cock just hates the wetsuit. Take this time to get to know each other, and hopefully your mature, smart, polite Brit will end up being your Mr. Right in every possible way. All great things in life are worth waiting for, even a stiffy.