Recently, I was chatting to a Teilzeit-Papa, who seriously blamed breastfeeding for his marriage breaking down.
“Seriously?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said. “Like, her breasts weren’t sexual at all – all of a sudden they were these utensils for feeding.”
“Hmm,” I said. “It’s just a bit strange, breastfeeding: you forget your tits are sexy, because they’re always leaking milk. Milk’s fundamentally unsexy – especially breast milk. It’s so sour. I breastfed in front of my dad, my in-laws, everyone. I feel so embarrassed now.”
“Jacinta. Listen. Are boobs there to attract men – or to feed babies?”
“Both! First they attract men, then you get pregnant, and you feed your kid with them. The worst thing is, after weaning, the kids get all attracted to them, too. Obsessed! When mine was 18 months, he was always touching me up. It was like being at an Essex nightclub.”
The part-time dad sighed.
“I’m sure we would’ve made it if she’d used formula.”
“But there are so many advantages to breast- feeding! It’s quick, easy, healthy – and there’s all this great stuff you can do with surplus milk.”
“Like what?” he asked. Here’s what.
1. Donate to a milk bank
There are 15 milk banks in Germany, all in the old East (see Human milk banks?). Hurrah! You find yourself producing more mother’s milk than your baby needs? Earn cash selling your surplus supplies to women whose boobs are less productive than yours. Might feel a bit icky, but raising kids is expensive, right?
2. Make breast milk ice cream
Getting slightly ickier: in England, a trendy-wendy Covent Garden restaurant has started selling breast milk ice cream to hungry hordes of, erm, open-minded people. Apparently, vegans are morally allowed to eat breast milk-based grub, because the milkee is conscious and willing. Well, where Covent Garden leads, Prenzlauer Berg shall follow! It’s a niche in the market just waiting to be exploited. Move over, bubble tea.
3. Become an erotic lactator
Yes. There are men out there who find breast milk sexy. So sexy they’re prepared to pay to be wet-nursed by accommodating “milkmaids”. Icky doesn’t even cover it.