David: Vladimir Putin, he’s really gone too far this time. TOO far. Don’t you think, Francois?
Francois: Oui, vous are certainly right there. MUCH too far.
Angela: Yes, it is very very furchtbar. The anti-gay laws were bad, but you know…
David: … seeing as no one in Russia has any human rights anyway, it didn’t make THAT much of a difference, did it?
Angela: English irony! Ha ha! … No. I agree.
Francois: And then when he invaded another European country. I mean, you know…
David: Now, THAT was bad. I really felt angry about that.
Angela: So did I! I was really furious. I was shaking a little bit.
Francois: I was livid. You should have seen me.
David: Yes. It was good I thought of stopping some of his friends using their bank accounts.
Francois: That was my idea!
Angela: I thought of it too about the same time, but I just didn’t say it out loud.
David: It was ALL our idea. At the same time.
David: Francois, the point is, he’s really gone TOO FAR this time.
David: I mean, pretending the separatists didn’t shoot down that plane.
Angela: What a dick!
Francois: A TOTAL dick.
David: An UTTER dick. So what are we going to do?
Francois: I say we do REALLY BIG sanctions, REALLY GOOD ONES. Like the best sanctions ever! Let’s “Go Iranian” – you know, where they can’t even buy football boots and nice chocolate.
Angela: Sehr gut! And they have to make do with that shitty fake Lego from China!
Francois: Ha! That will show him. But can we do it next week?
Francois: We have this ship we wanted to sell them. It took us ages to make. Our ship-makers would be really disappointed, you know.
Angela: Okay, NEXT week. But then we will make the REALLY good sanctions.
David: (suddenly angry) Well, I am not happy Francois! That is really NOT ON! We must be tough and all that shit.
Flunkey whispers to David.
David: Actually, can we say the week after? We have over 200 weapons export licenses to get through.
Angela: Okay fine, the week after! THEN we are really going to show that dick where the hammer hangs.
Flunkey whispers to Angela.
Angela: Actually, we’ll do it later – I’ve just remembered we have to keep buying all this gas from Russia.
David: Well, when can we do it then?
Angela: When we have achieved world peace and we invent an infinite power source. Those would be the ideal conditions.
Francois, David: Fine. Well, glad we had another productive European summit.
David, Angela, Francois (thinking to themselves): I feel empty and shabby inside, but I can take consolation from the fact that it’s definitely not my fault.