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Konrad Werner: Monarch-spawn

See, now look what you've done, you foolish lefties. You've popped the boil, and all the mutant tadpoles have come out of the eggs that their mother laid in your flesh. That's right. The German royal family is back.

Image for Konrad Werner: Monarch-spawn
Photo by Charles McCain (AN HONORABLE GERMAN; Flickr CC)

This week, Prince Philip Kiril of Prussia, great-great grandson of the last German Kaiser, Wilhelm II, called for the restoration of the German monarchy. He said that it would do Germany good.

With brutish logic derived from the Christian Wulff business, the Prussian prince argued that monarchs are better than politicians because they aren’t tempted by cheap house loans and free holidays, because the state gives them a luxury palace and a holiday all year round.

What they are tempted by is pretending to be in charge, though, since Prince Philip would be second in line to the German throne. But it’s okay, because, “They can’t be swept out of office by a vote of no-confidence or by lifting their immunity to prosecution,” he argued. “That does a country good.”

Well, I hope you’re happy, you Wutbürger. By waving your trainers at Wulff, you’ve metaphorically broken into the top-secret genetic research facility and released the super-virus which will turn the entire world’s population into evil mutants. And Prince Philip is the first of them – split-toed, pallid-faced, swollen and deformed, blinking with viscous eyes at the harsh sunlight and uttering feeble grunts, he has emerged from his crack in the wall. In about 28 days’ time, the Germans will be just like him, and will once more be worshiping a race of bovine-faced creatures from the underworld. The monarchy is back.

The sad thing is Prince Philip is right. Here’s what he spluttered: “When, as now in Sweden, a member of the royal family is born, what a joy goes through the country! Even the prime minister spoke of a happy day. The heart has a much more intensive influence than the appeal of a family minister.”

“Emotions are the field on which a royal family can play,” he lisped through his airhole. “They do not have to think up some programme, it goes to the hearts that they are simply there.”

Yep, Philip you’ve hit the nail on the head. We, the people of Europe, really do hate ourselves so much that we would rather gawp wide-eyed at the spectacle of an inbred monster spawning tadpole-creatures from a membranous sack laid in a rubbish bin than have a fair society. Thanks for reminding us.