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Konrad Werner: Peter Ramsauer, god of transport

If only the news was more like films, Konrad thinks (not for the first time). Especially films with nipples showing through shirts and hammers forged "inside a dying star" being flung through wormholes in space. But it's not.

The only use that superhero movies have when trying to write a news blog is in the hope of finding a metaphor. If for instance, you’ve gone to see the movie Thor and you’ve set out to find a symbol, and you find yourself staring at some hairy gods wearing big curly helmets that would be impractical in a battle situation, but might be useful for encouraging a cockatoo to mate, or holding far-fetched regal CGI ceremonies in chambers filled with colossal statues, you have to hope that somewhere in among the heavy phallic substitutes there’s some kind of parallel to, maybe, the latest shenanigans of Transport Minister Peter Ramsauer or the latest attempt by someone in the CSU to say anything that wasn’t insane.

But there wasn’t much. At one point, Odin (played by Anthony Hopkins) said, “A wise king always avoids war, but is always prepared for war.” I briefly toyed with the notion that this was deep propaganda for subsidizing the arms industry but then got bored before the thought was even finished. I guess this is what happens to all blog-writers at some point.

And there was a bit where Thor got hit in the face really hard – until he was dead (at least dead enough to convince a concerned astrophysicist who was first at the scene) but then came back to life again because of a leftover bit of redemption inside his hammer.

Though, come to think of it, Peter Ramsauer’s recent decision to threaten to sue the government of Baden-Württemberg if they don’t finish building that bloody railway station was a bit like the bit where Loki uses some kind of (completely unexplained) ice-making sword to blow up an entire planet made of ice at the other end of a wormhole. So they had a nuclear deterrent all along – just an ice-based one rather than the usual one with hydrogen atoms. Actually, maybe not.