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Konrad Werner: Spasm of the perineum

Konrad has his principles, as long as there's a Facebook group to represent them – he is a man who, when the chips are down, is not afraid to click "Like". And then there's Wolfgang Schäuble.

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Photo by Medienmagazin pro (Christliches Medienmagazin pro)

True to the principles I have developed during my tireless, passionate joining of Facebook groups, I moved Tony Blair’s memoirs to the crime section of Dussmann at the weekend. Then I watched surreptitiously – all excited – for nearly 10 minutes, until a peevish employee put the former British Prime Minister’s beady, manic eyes back on the latest releases shelf. Ha, that’ll teach the sanctimonious, warmongering twat.

Just as I was celebrating my mischievous urban protest, I learned that George Bush has only gone and released his memoirs. And the appropriate Facebook group is already up! Honestly, there’s no rest for the urban-bookshop-disorganizing-guerrilla.

Despite a good 30 seconds of strenuous thinking, I have decided there is no link between this and Wolfgang Schäuble’s amusing humiliation of his spokesman Michael Offer during a press conference last week. The best bit is after the public bollocking – “Stop talking, Herr Offer, get those figures distributed.” – during which you feel the sweat trickle between Offer’s buttocks.

After that perineum-spasming moment (does your perineum spasm when you get bollocked by your boss? Mine does!) Schäuble comes back and starts grinning all sheepishly and suddenly he turns into the Gollum: his grin becomes stiff and frozen, his shoulders hitch up and he mutters things through his teeth half seriously and half in jest.

A few days later, Offer resigned, writing to Schäuble that he believed he no longer had the finance minister’s confidence. Having made this decision, I bet he now wishes he’d said something witty at the time, like: “Chill, Ironside, these media hacks never read the press shit anyway.” But he didn’t. So unfortunate, but it’s always that way, isn’t it?