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Konrad Werner: The bliss of purposelessness

Konrad would like to make it clear that he also offers other services.

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Photo courtesy of U.S. Army Corps of Engineers Sacramento District (Flickr CC)

It has come to my attention that regular readers of this blog – stop hiding, come out from under that bush – may be under the impression that all I offer is topical sarcasm and vaguely depressing insight into the existence of an anonymous hack.

This is saddening. I have so much more to offer. I am a man of substance. For instance, I also run a seminar on general sarcasm. The special focus of the course is how a sarcastic tone can not only enlighten, but can often usefully replace having a point to things you say. Those regular readers will have noticed that I have honed this skill to a fine weapon of such exquisite subtlety that it expertly carves the news into delicate bloody pieces on the butcher shop floor, and then shits out Faberge eggs.

This aspect of my career is aimed mainly at the corporate market. Basically, for an appropriate fee I come in and mock you, your employees and your clients for no reason at all and with no benefit to anyone connected with your company. It’s a new thing. You might not get it at first.

But that is not all. I am also developing an interesting side-line as an event manager. This is promising to be even more lucrative. I am hoping to take over the well-worn mantle of Manfred Schmidt, a man who has been managing events all over Germany for 30 years. Shiny-faced Schmidt, who has a digital roller-deck that apparently includes every famous German ever, considers no event properly managed until one or other mediocre politician has accepted an invitation.

This means that he paid €3,927 to fly former SPD leader Kurt Beck to an event entitled “Arcandor Media Get Together” in a private jet. Yes, this is the kind of thing that happens in the world today. At some point in the infinite turning points of chaos, the universe found its way into this existential cul-de-sac and I am here writing about it in the dark in my underpants.

But not for much longer. From now on, I will no longer stand by observing. Finally, my life will assume a purpose, and I will work my way into a position where I too can ferry meaningless politicians from one “Media Get Together” to another.

It will be a pure, floating bliss of futility. Nurse! I need new pants.