In the wee hours, when millions of other people are injecting themselves with the media-heroin of football, have you ever wondered what the World Cup is actually for? Well – it’s to fill the Sommerloch. This is when all events disappear – for example, just to take the piss, Angela Merkel is currently visiting Who Cares Land, or “Kazakhstan”.
The reason for the Sommerloch is that everyone is too busy having fun outside to worry about the news. Half-naked ladies are sitting by lakes, watching handsome men emerge out of the water with their swimming trunks clinging to their penises. Young people are taking drugs, going to music festivals, listening to “psi-trance” and idling around deciding who to have sex with next. And children are having the best time of their lives, up later than ever, playing in the park, until their tanned mums finally call them in for their tea.
What about the reporters? They are slowly baking in their offices, their brains frying with the effort of working out a way to fill the column-inches and air-minutes. “If only there was something to annoy people with,” we all think. “Even just a bit. Some kind of flu, or a celebrity death. It’s so sunny outside. I wish I was there, like a normal person.”
But then look! The sun just keeps on shining! It’s shining so much that things are dying: grass, fish, people, nuclear power stations, and trains are even cooking their passengers. So many stories! Good old sun! Not only the single source of life on Earth, but now the source of all the news.
And as for you normal people, with all your “definitely a lake day” Facebook updates, I bet you’re laughing on the other side of your sun-burnt faces now! We’re coming to interview you about how hot you are. And after that, we’re probably going to get some experts to bother you with advice about your fluids. Ha! If only there was a German word for laughing at other people’s misfortunes.