October 20, 2000. Cable from US ambassador to Germany to US Secretary of State Madeleine Albright: Local informants say “The Velveteen Rabbit” was seen walking down the road, holding a kohlrabi in one hand, a packet of pesto sauce in the other. A net of satsumas was hanging insouciantly from one finger. He then stopped briefly by a second-hand CD shop before buying some sticky tape. We are investigating the purpose of said tape. Speaking to Turkish proprietor of the kebab shop above which he lives, TVR was heard to mumble about the “interesting patterns” in the decorative illuminated moving waterfall hanging on the wall. Said Turk did not respond.
April 21, 2004. US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to CIA operatives in Berlin: New directive: low to medium priority. Hack computer hard drive of TVR, in his saturated pink-walled den.
April 29, 2004. Unnamed CIA operative to US SoD Donald Rumsfeld: Yes, master, your suspicions have proved correct – wisdom shine from your glasses. We found at least 48GB of horse porn. TVR’s computer has more viruses than an aged lab monkey. Plus, we found emails from Colonel Gaddafi inviting him to “winter on my yacht.” All information CC’d to TVR’s mother.
August 13, 2009. Report from US Berlin embassy party: TVR has infiltrated catering services and is serving Hillary Clinton mini-samosas. He is also trying to impress her with rudimentary card tricks and napkin-folding, in which he is adept. All of this is just a clumsy feint, however: embassy sources believe TVR is attempting to influence the Secretary of State’s policy decisions. Speculation: he is hoping to curry favour with Colonel Gaddafi by brokering an arms deal between Libya and/or Iran and/or North Korea and/or West Virginia. Clinton has ignored him and asked an aide to bring her samosas on a separate plate.
Two things about WikiLeaks: 1) the 251,287 cables all confirm the worst Wildean fear: everything really is as it seems. 2) Right-wing people are like members of a masochistic cult for people who want to be sexually abused.