Dear German Buch-Verlag,
I’ve got an idea for a book. I think it’s definitely a hit. Your readers are mainly white, heterosexual, middle-class Germans, aren’t they? That means they are more or less the most privileged people on the planet. Except for Hollywood stars and maybe the Ancient Egyptian Pharaohs, who were actual gods, anyone picked randomly anywhere in the world at any time between the start of human evolution and now would probably swap with a middle-class German at Easter in the year 2014. Their world is made of asparagus, cats, fancy coffee, HD television, different-coloured pepper corns, Brecht plays, affordable healthcare and children’s education, Goethe plays, the S-Bahn and the U-Bahn, freedom from war and dictatorship and the plague and deadly insects and crocodiles and guns, picturesque parks, the thoughts of the greatest minds in human history stored at their fingertips in a Kindle, Kindles, electric cars, the theatre, sparkling mineral water, CDs of cabaret songs, surround-sound technology, cloth napkins, cheap mortgages, cleaning ladies, nice scarves made of soft lambs, laptops. What I’m saying is that Wilmersdorf is basically the closest that humanity has come to creating a perfect pod of material bliss.
So, the big question is: what do these people want to read? What title could possibly jump out at them in the Hugendubel at the railway station when they’re on their way to the Baltic Sea cos it’s another Thursday holiday and they’ve got a fucking Brückentag? Here’s my working title:
GERMANY IS SHIT!
Isn’t it shit in Germany? The TV shows are shit, nobody can spell properly, the kids in school are beating up the teachers, the Muslims are murdering all the white people (note: check exact stats), the gays are being too gay (being gay is okay as long as they pretend to be normal in public), instead of getting married, men prefer to masturbate into a cup so that lesbians can have babies, environmentalists are paedophiles in disguise, and the feminists are spoiling women, i.e. making them too confident. All of this is oppressive and a threat to freedom of speech (don’t forget to book me on Maischberger and Beckmann and Lanz cos I am so provakativ).
The gay Muslim pregnant lesbian dyslexic feminist children are out to get you. They’re going to take away your power. They don’t deserve your asparagus, because they’re not as good as you and not as normal as you. They are WEAK people with no power – but also VERY DANGEROUS (note: work out logic of this later). And what’s more the MEDIA (note: avoid generalizing) are on their side. The media is practically giving those disabled lesbians knives and a ride in their car to come over and stab you.
Conclusion: Be more Christian. I don’t mean the part about forgiveness, I mean the bit about going to church and not being gay and not masturbating.
As you can see, I think my idea has enough hate (sorry, Provokation) in it to get published and talked about pointlessly for at least two weeks. It’ll be like taking candy from a baby.
I look forward to hearing your reply. Please let me know where I should send my bank details for the advance.