Photo courtesy of the Bundesarchiv, B 145 BILD-F079033-0029 : CC-BY-SA
Waitress
Julie Colthorpe on why she’ll never eat brunch in Neukölln again.
Last time I checked, German was the language spoken in the German capital. I moved to Berlin 12 years ago. Back then, if you didn’t speak German you were up shit creek. My friend Sarah made the mistake of asking, “Can I have a bag, please?” at her local Kaiser’s in Prenzlauer Berg. “WIE BITTE!?” screeched the cashier. “WAS WOLLEN SIE?” Sarah tried again, still in English. She couldn’t understand most of the rant that followed, but gathered it was something like, “Speak German or go back to England!” (she’s Scottish).
Fast forward to Silvester 2013. I’m with a group of Italian, French, Spanish, Russian and American expats, and two poor German girls struggling to get into the English conversation. My friend commented, half-joking, half-apologetic: “I guess we should all be speaking German.” Her innocent remark was met with a scandalised roar from across the table. “And why is that?!” inquired the offended party, an American musician. “Well, I mean, we’re in Berlin after all,” my friend replied. Said the American: “Last time I heard the sentence ‘you should’ it was from my mother. I don’t think I want to be subjected to such imperatives any longer.” Needless to say, he doesn’t speak a word of German and doesn’t intend to learn.
The problem is the blasé nonchalant attitude that some expats adopt when it comes to speaking the language of their adopted country: they don’t.
Don’t get me wrong: nobody’s expected to know the der-die-das of it all the moment they step off the plane. The problem is the blasé nonchalant attitude that some expats adopt when it comes to speaking the language of their adopted country: they don’t. It’s bad enough to hear these smug shirkers yapping away on the U8 every Friday night. What’s worse is when they start opening restaurants.
A year and a half ago, the Tagesspiegel published an article expressing the general outrage felt by Berliners at being forced to grapple with their rusty school English in American joints like The Bird and White Trash. Wally Potts, the American owner of White Trash, does in fact speak very good German – it’s just his staff that don’t, or won’t, or didn’t.
But that’s nothing compared to Neukölln – aka Little Melbourne.
Recently, my German boyfriend and I tried out a new Australian place in Reuterkiez. Not only was the food lousy and overpriced, not one of the staff could speak any German. Even the menus were English-only – I ended up translating practically the whole thing for my boyfriend. When the waitress came over, I asked for “zwei Kaffee, bitte”. She didn’t understand a word, and she wasn’t even embarrassed. So while waiting for our food (it took forever) we bitched about her in German. No one noticed.
Later, I quizzed the owner when she brought us the bill. “Do any of your staff speak German at all?” They didn’t. She herself, however, had started to learn it. Really? Have a medal! “We are an Australian restaurant; we want it to be authentic,” she explained. Well, if you’re going to be Australian, be bloody Australian. I want kangaroos and bush hats and shrimps on barbies, mate! And imagine if two Berliners opened up a German-language-only Berliner Küche restaurant in Australia – they’d close within a week.
Afterwards, I took a walk around the neighbourhood. It seemed like every café I passed had a chalkboard written solely in English, inviting me in from the cold for a cosy cuppa and a piece of homemade cake. Even the pet shop had “Pet Shop” slapped across the window in big white letters, lest clueless locals walk in looking for groceries and wind up with a puppy.
Ultimately if you don’t learn German, you’re the one missing out. It’s a giant city out there, and you’re shrinking your life to an expat minimum. You’re thrown a curveball every time someone says something you don’t understand. My American friend and I were in a bakery and she asked for one “Schrippe, bitte.” I was surprised, as she doesn’t usually like white bread. She explained that she doesn’t know how to order what she wants, so she just repeats the preceding order. That’s just pathetic.
My advice to all these Deutsch-denying dilettantes? Go back to your mum for some extra nursing or an extra kick in the Arsch. Or better yet, move to Brandenburg and see how far your English gets you there.
Comments (200)
Comment Feedagree
livinginberlin 5 days ago
Sorry, no German!
EJay 76 days ago
Double standards
CC 26 days ago
triple standard
Habibi 8 days ago
come on
michaela 328 days ago
People like you make German not fun
DisappointedExpat more than 1 year ago
It's none of your business
Duygu more than 1 year ago
Lernen Sie Deutsch!
Ken more than 1 year ago
Wie Bitte
Retro more than 1 year ago
Did you read the article?
Digby more than 1 year ago
Sorry, no German ...
Bubby 76 days ago
Sheer intolerance !!!
Amar more than 1 year ago
How is this "intolerant"?
Josep more than 1 year ago
Sheer intolerance!!
Germans The Secret World Coloniser - Then and Now
C. Nisbett 236 days ago
bubby
lisa 76 days ago
Like Spanish in the U.S.
Corry more than 1 year ago
US has no official language
kat 218 days ago
Official language US?
Lisa 76 days ago
Spanish colony
livinginberlin 5 days ago
Deutsch will die
Robert Tunn more than 1 year ago
Entitled much?
Josep more than 1 year ago
Another thing...
Josep more than 1 year ago
Ignorant?
Matthias more than 1 year ago
I can tell you this much...
Aktar more than 2 years ago
Well, that came outta left field.
Kris 106 days ago
Expats and people working with the general public
Adrian more than 2 years ago
What a cunt
fuckyouJULIECOLTHORPE 278 days ago
Adrian is correct
Digby 269 days ago
Sitting In Your Ivory Tower - Typical German
C. Nisbett 236 days ago
What an entitled little bitch the author is
Fich Dich in Den Arsch. more than 2 years ago
Cut the ad hominem crap
Josep more than 2 years ago
seriously?!
FU more than 2 years ago
Close-minded people who expect others to adapt to them and throw around insults
Adrian more than 2 years ago
Entitlement
Adrian more than 2 years ago
I rest my case
Josep more than 2 years ago
Agree fully
Duygu more than 1 year ago
Embarrassed Aussie
Vanessa more than 2 years ago
Exactly
J more than 2 years ago
odd
Clam Fandango more than 2 years ago
not really
Henri more than 2 years ago
Being forced to speak a foreign language
Adrian more than 2 years ago
local language etc etc
Lisa Glauer more than 2 years ago
Speak english
Ken more than 2 years ago
Learn German
Josep more than 1 year ago
nice
not required more than 1 year ago
oversensitive
sal more than 2 years ago
häää, was steht hier?
Keine Ahnung more than 2 years ago
If you were an expat...
Ace more than 2 years ago
She is... an expat
Walter more than 2 years ago
just chill
chillersjoy more than 2 years ago
She's not German.
Josep more than 2 years ago
I try!
Sophie more than 2 years ago
Outside expat districts
Flurry more than 2 years ago
Well...
Steffen 43 days ago
Big Deal
Mykill more than 2 years ago
Narrow minded Germans
Saffa more than 2 years ago
Stiff Germans win
Noah more than 2 years ago
Politically correct mucj?
Josep more than 2 years ago
hm...
FYI 175 days ago
No way
Cristian more than 2 years ago
English
Vallerye Cookson more than 3 years ago
patience on both sides
af more than 3 years ago
It's not simple
Christian more than 3 years ago
Be open-minded
Vincent more than 3 years ago
???
Christian more than 3 years ago
It isn't that simple
Filipe more than 2 years ago
Good tip
David more than 3 years ago
thumbs up
Slobodan more than 3 years ago
Dumb
nigg1 more than 3 years ago
Wow
Jana more than 3 years ago
I have a question...
Josep more than 2 years ago
Who can read it?
Chris more than 4 years ago
Learn english
Holiday = Migration
Lukas 159 days ago
Bravo Chris!
Sylviw more than 3 years ago
Danke
Madison more than 3 years ago
Incorrect
C. Nisbett 236 days ago
How Berliners could help
Ben more than 4 years ago
Being answered in English
robert more than 3 years ago
Halleluja
Rainer more than 3 years ago
Halleluja
Rainer more than 3 years ago
it is easier to run the Marathon than rent in Berlin
joe bentley more than 4 years ago
Congrats!
Lisa from California more than 4 years ago
??
Wolf more than 4 years ago
Ich Stimme, von England
Tom more than 4 years ago
Perfect article
Bora more than 4 years ago
fuck you
jack more than 4 years ago
subject
V8 more than 4 years ago
When in Rome...
Josep more than 2 years ago
Naive racist or both, Germans are back at it again
The last part is bogus
Josep more than 2 years ago
Another thing...
Josep more than 2 years ago
re: fuck you
chris more than 3 years ago
Douglas
Laughter more than 4 years ago
Are you depressed?
Germans
how well aquainted are you with german tourists?
Lukas 159 days ago
Rather bitter than sweet
Lena more than 4 years ago
Spot on!
Douglas more than 4 years ago
As for German Neukolln it is German now(.
joe bentley more than 4 years ago
can you speak German
joe bentley more than 4 years ago
That's Berlin
Kathrine more than 4 years ago
actually
Mario more than 4 years ago
Very well said.
Colorado Bill more than 4 years ago
Chauvinistic Germans
Marissa more than 4 years ago
Stereotyping (a bit)?
Andreas more than 4 years ago
Nederlands vs. Duits
Jack more than 3 years ago
The opposite is also true
mekirin more than 4 years ago
I don't like political correctness
Josep more than 2 years ago
Well-written
Diana Zhao more than 4 years ago
heil hitler
hitler more than 4 years ago
Wow.
Cara more than 4 years ago
Are you dumb?
Herp Derp more than 4 years ago
Germans abroad
emily more than 4 years ago
Read the $%#&@ article
Josep more than 2 years ago
German Learning
its great to learn
carl more than 4 years ago
What a loud of horse$^£&
Not a load of b****cks, when you think about it.
Ditto more than 4 years ago
learning German
MEMO more than 4 years ago
Stfu
assshitfuckgerman more than 4 years ago
This is ridiculous!
Peramia more than 4 years ago
Only English?
ha ha
Thank you, Julie
Berlin,Alter! more than 4 years ago
Oh please
Marissa more than 4 years ago
Echt waar?
Rainer more than 3 years ago
ik ben akkord
Jack more than 3 years ago
They deserve it!
Thomas more than 5 years ago
@Thomas »They deserve it!«
Daniel more than 4 years ago
Kritik der reinen Unvernunft
Senf more than 5 years ago
Du sprichst mir aus der Seele!
Jack more than 3 years ago
and yet these Americans are probably the same ones...
Hell_On_Wheelz on Twitter more than 5 years ago
This rant is spot on
Ryan more than 5 years ago
So true!!!
Jack more than 3 years ago
Entitlement
Annie more than 5 years ago
the way
andrea more than 5 years ago
Your Narrowminded View
Jonathan more than 5 years ago
Narrowminded?
Derick more than 4 years ago
sad comments....
Betty more than 4 years ago
the way
andrea more than 5 years ago
Negative Junk
A more than 5 years ago
Is it true?
Frances Taylor more than 5 years ago
Dump your boyfriend
Give less advice
:I more than 5 years ago
What rage?
My individual view
pandemonium more than 5 years ago
View of a German
Answer more than 4 years ago
speak German, its okay!
carlos more than 4 years ago
he sounds terrible
keinauslander more than 4 years ago
Annoying That People Can't Be Bothered
Jessica Rivera more than 5 years ago
I agree.
Alex Muller more than 5 years ago
Sad but true
Michele more than 5 years ago
Chill out!
Ana more than 5 years ago
The writer of this blog
Educate yourself!
Atelenor more than 5 years ago
wtf?
ThisCan'tBeTrue more than 5 years ago
Hm...
Kantorka more than 5 years ago
excuses much?
Bec more than 5 years ago
missed the point, eh?
Betty more than 4 years ago
Every German I meet wants to learn English from me
James more than 5 years ago
German Acceptance
Josh Absher more than 5 years ago
lern the language of the country you live in. Period.
Ella22 more than 5 years ago
Calm down!
melbournian more than 5 years ago
@melbournian
CJ more than 5 years ago
Prawns love not shrimps!!
DARREN PALMER more than 5 years ago
@Darren Palmer
CJ more than 5 years ago
Like the ironic and provoking tone of the article
Sarah more than 5 years ago
David
David more than 6 years ago
Ich stimme das.
JR more than 6 years ago
RELAX
Karsten more than 6 years ago
Engerman
ZZ more than 6 years ago
nobody likes a smug person
Sharn-Mari Luke-Harper more than 6 years ago
nobody really likes a smug person:-)
Sharn-Mari Luke-Harper more than 6 years ago
Very well balanced
Rant
Elena more than 6 years ago
generalized, untargeted and irrelevant mix of arguments
exberliner more than 6 years ago
a good aussie friend
Os. more than 6 years ago
I agree, however
Colin more than 6 years ago
Cantankerous but fair
Anglo aRRoganza
Tony more than 6 years ago
Who the FUCK do you think you are?
LU more than 6 years ago
English perfect?
Miss the point, much?
bossbob more than 6 years ago
How Ironic
BK more than 6 years ago
Fail to the chief
Kaiser-no-say more than 6 years ago
You dumb Arsch
Daniel more than 6 years ago
Super impressed
Impressed more than 6 years ago
The question isn't whether expats should learn German
Mr. Sunglasses more than 6 years ago
this is the point!!!
Kia Waters more than 6 years ago
crocodile dumbbee-tch
Paul Hogan more than 6 years ago
Solidarität aus Wien
David more than 6 years ago
A bit harsh but spot on!
SK more than 6 years ago
Not discrimination
Sean more than 6 years ago
Fact Check Please
Regular more than 6 years ago
Bravo
Dr. Dot more than 6 years ago
Be authentic
Max more than 6 years ago
As opposed to the Germans..
Nicole more than 6 years ago
Not to mention
Edward more than 6 years ago