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Amok Mama: Babies with lots of Migrationshintergrund

Jacinta Nandi wants to have Deniz Yücel's babies – lots of babies with lots of Migrationshintergrund. Plus, she thinks Wulff was brilliant and that Gauck's an idiot. And her boyfriend agrees with her – except for the bit about Denis Yücel.

So, I’ve been having lots of Gauck-based arguments with lots of German people all week.


I just can’t believe people can think that cadging a few holidays is worse than being an actual racist. Well, I mean, obviously I think racist people think that cadging a few holidays is worse than being an actual racist, but racist people also think not liking salami is worse than actually committing murder.

What I’m surprised at is all the number of people I know who I actually believed were vaguely non-racist who are all like wetting their pants with joy and ecstasy at the thought of Gauck being president. I mean, one day, one day in the future, one day, very far away in the future, I will stop being surprised at how racist most German people I know are. But that day’s still a fair way off, to be honest. Right now, I just can’t believe it.

“So, what do you think about Wulff and Gauck and all the Germans being so cheerful about Gauck and acting like he’s the best thing since sliced bread just because he always pays for his own holidays?” I asked my boyfriend over dinner.

“Oh, look, I think Gauck’s a dickhead,” he said, cheerfully. “He’s really annoying. And, basically, you know, Jacinta, most German people are just idiots. I mean, most people are idiots and the Germans are no different. They’re fools. They have these really short term memories. It’s just like when they voted FDP. He’ll become president and after two months they’ll realize he’s just as stingy as Wulff was – because every German alive is just as stingy as Wulff was – only he’s a racist idiot, too. And then they’ll start complaining about him 24/7. It’s just as well that it doesn’t actually matter who the president is, you know.”

“It does matter,” I said huffily. “Thilo Sarrazin’s writing a new book. He’s working on it now. We need one vaguely non-racist politician in this country; otherwise there will actually be mass suicides all over the place.”

“He’s not writing about the Turks for his next book, though.”


“Nah, he’s doing the Greeks this time, I reckon.”

“Do you know that for a fact?”

“He’s said all he can about the Turks, Jacinta. There’s nothing left for him to say about them.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” I said. “What could he say? He’d have to actually say: ‘Let’s re-open the fucking camps, shall we?'”

“Yeah, he’s gonna do the Greeks next time, mark my words.”

“The Germans are so blind, you know?” I said. “It’s like, just because Wulff is CDU and Gauck is SPD they can’t admit that when Wulff said Islam belonged to Germany it was this huge act of courageousness. Like, even left-wing people. Especially left-wing people. How can they be so blind? They’re just blinded by these party-political loyalties, it’s not really politics, it’s just tribalism. It’s just football. It’s like all those Man. United supporters suddenly being so disgusted by racism coz of Suarez. It’s a tribal loyalty. They’re totally unable to be objective. Just because he’s a conservative, they can’t admit he ever did anything right, ever.”

“Yeah,” said my boyfriend. “But we’re the same in England, aren’t we? Like, with the Tories.”

“No, that’s completely different,” I said.


“Well, no Tory ever said anything nice in the entire history of the United Kingdom ever. They just say things like ‘There’s no such thing as society’ and ‘Who do these people support at the test match?’ They’re just evil bastards.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry,” said my boyfriend. “I was forgetting that.”

PS: If Jacinta wasn’t quite so madly in love with her wonderful boyfriend, she would totally love to have loads of babies with lots of Migrationshintergrund with Deniz Yücel, because he’s just delicious.