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  • Amok Mama: A beginner’s guide to Germany


Amok Mama: A beginner’s guide to Germany

Jacinta Nandi has spent 10 years conducting an anthropological study on German society, so you don't have to. Now she's thrilled to be able to reveal her conclusions...

1) HOBBIES German people all love FKK. You might not know what FKK is. Okay, I’ll explain. FKK is what German people do when the temperatures go over 23° Celsius. They look at a thermometer and they go: “Ah, it is over 23° Celsius, time for some FKK-time!” Then they go to a lake and play frisbee with their gran, naked. This is the top German hobby of all time. Sometimes they play frisbee with their maternal gran, sometimes their paternal gran, sometimes the both of them, but it’s ALWAYS A LAKE, ALWAYS A FRISBEE AND ALWAYS NAKED. FKK stands for Frisbee Kein Kleidung? Kein Problem, Oma! FKKKPO. But nowadays it’s been abbreviated to just FKK. It’s shorter. Other German hobbies include Group Sex at Grill Parties, helping friends of a friend move house on a Sunday, eating brunch and complaining.

2) MAD German people are all mad and they think mad things. They think that if you eat burnt food you’ll get cancer and if you don’t wear slippers AT ALL TIMES you will get pneumonia. All German people think this, even prostitutes, drug addicts and rappers. Half of German rap music is actually full of health warnings about slippers.

3) DANCING Germans famously cannot dance, but it doesn’t matter coz they’re all really good at eating pussy.

4) TOTALLY MAD If you go to a supermarket with a German, this is what they will do, when they buy something – they want a yoghurt, yeah?  They don’t just get a yoghurt and put it in the trolley like ALL OTHER NORMAL PEOPLE in the world ever – all other normal people all other nationalities of people everyone else in the ENTIRE WORLD are united in unison in this act of yoghurt purchasing: “I need a yoghurt, I pick a yoghurt up, I put it in the trolley.”  But the mad bastards over here do you know what they do? They look through the yoghurts for the one with the furthest away sell-by-date. Madness

5) JOBS This one is about Berlin, not Germany. Berliners. And jobs. Berliners don’t have jobs. They have latte machiattos instead

6) TOTALLY TOTALLY MAD This one is really fucked-up.  If you’ve not been in the country long you might find this one really shocking, okay, be prepared and that. Ready? Okay. Germans remember stuff they learnt at school and say to each other in arguments to win the argument and stuff. It is mad. If you go to a dinner party, they’re all quoting shit from Goethe and Geometry and stuff. I never knew this was the idea until I arrived in this country. In England, we never remember anything we learn in school, ever, unless it’s by accident because it rhymed like “A metre measures three by three, it’s longer than a yard you see.”

7) FRIENDLINESS People from East and West Germany are often to be found having arguments about which side is the most friendly, or to be more accurate, the LEAST unfriendly. I can solve this 20-year-old conundrum. YOU ARE BOTH TOTALLY FUCKING UNFRIENDLY!

8) PUSSIES Germans are pussies. There is no getting away from it. They’re always whingeing about the health insurance, even though THEY CAN GET FREE FUCKING YOGA ON IT – quit whingeing, do some fucking yoga! Pussies. They wait for HOURS on end for the green man. Pussies. They think Neukölln is a ghetto. PUSSIES. Neukölln isn’t a ghetto. Hate to be the one to break it to ya. All it is, is a few kids live there, and they kind of slouch. They slouch a bit. Some of them have caps on. Slouching. OOOooooooOOOOOh! ‘Snot a ghetto. Germans, pussies, man. But still, how many of us non-Germans have ever played frisbee with their nana naked? I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t even play chess with my nana topless.

9) HEIDI KLUM IS A FUCKING CUNT She’s a fucking cunt, man. “Na, du, weisst du dass die anderen Mädels denken, dass du rausfliegst, was sagst du dazu?” And the stupid girls never say: “I say you’re a cunt, Heidi.” Fucking cunt. Tyra Banks is like Mother Theresa compared to her. And I know it’s a bit anti-feministical to call a woman a cunt, but unfortunately in Heidi’s case I don’t have any other fucking option. 

LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST – as the Germans say – 10) DON’T SHIT ON THE GERMANS  They are as easy to shit on as their shelf toilets, which is precisely why you should not do it. They’re all mad, totally mad, or totally, totally mad and they’re all pussies, but they’re not that bad really. And besides: THEY PLAY FRISBEE WITH THEIR NANA NAKED!