Amok Mama: Can you be a feminist and still let boys come on your face?
Jacinta Nandi asks whether you can be a feminist and still let boys come on your face.
I saw my friend Sarah for the first time this year on Friday night.
“So, Jacinta,” she said. “Have you got any New Year’s resolutions?”
I sighed sadly. “Well, I don’t know. I kind of have and I kind of haven’t.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well, I’ve got some, but I never keep them. I’ve never, ever, in my life ever kept a New Year’s resolution, ever. So really I don’t have any. Because I just know I’m not gonna keep them.”
“What are they?”
“I wanna lose five kilos. Well, maybe 10, but first of all five, then seven and then 10. And I want to write morning pages every day. And I want to write a new book. But you know what? I haven’t written morning pages once so far this year. It’s like, just by making New Year’s resolutions I make myself not do things.”
“You know what the problem with your New Year’s resolutions is, Jacinta?” said Sarah. “They’re not spiritual enough. You need to make more spiritual New Year’s resolutions. And make them a bit vaguer. They’re easier to keep if you keep them vague. So instead of saying “I am going to lose five, then seven, and then 10 kilos,” you just say: “I am going to be healthy and look after my body.” Do you see?”
“Hmmmm,” I said. “A bit boring, though. What are yours?”
“Oh, I was waiting for you to ask me that. Guess what mine are? I am going to have more sex with more strangers more often. What do you think? Let’s face it, I’m never going to find happiness in love, relationships are over for me, I’m sick of pretending to myself that I am ever going to be in a relationship ever again, so I might as well get a bit of joy out of sex. But I’m not going to have sex in a sad, cold, clinical, Anglo-Saxon kind of way. I’m going to have sex in a wild, feminist, spiritual GDR-type way. I am going to have a lot of sex with a lot of strangers, wild sex, I’m just going to laugh and laugh and laugh and I’m never going to ask for their telephone numbers in the morning, because you know, Jacinta, in the GDR they didn’t all have telephones and it’s going to be brilliant. You know how the Germans are always saying she was the kind of girl ‘you could steal horses with’?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I get so jealous when they say that. You can just tell they’re only thinking about German girls. ‘A girl you can steal horses with.’ It makes me so angry and jealous. Why do they all fancy horse thieves anyway? Puke, puke, puke. I always think, fuck’s sake, show me a fucking horse, I’ll fucking steal it, give me a fucking chance. But I am a bit scared of horses, to be honest.”
“Well, I am going to be that girl,” announced Sarah. “I am going to go to the fucking circus and steal a fucking horse and then I am going to have wild, spiritual, feministical GDR-style sex in a field. I can’t wait.”
“It’s a very good New Year’s resolution,” I said.
“And you know what my second one is going to be?”
“I am going to become a proper feminist. This New Year’s resolution is somewhat connected to the first one, obviously. You can’t have spiritual feministical sex in fields if you’re not a proper feminist. And I’m sick of beng a half-hearted Sex and the City 27th-wave type feminist. So I am going to become a proper feminist and stuff. I’ve started reading the The F-Word and everything. Which reminds me, Jacinta, what do you think? Do you think you can be a proper feminist and still let boys jizz on your face?”
I thought for a bit. “Erm, no,” I said. “Basically? No.”
Sarah sighed. “I didn’t think so, either.”
“I think high-heels are okay,” I said. “High-heels, make-up, even anal sex and blowjobs on your knees are okay. Just about. But letting boys jizz on your face? Basically, no. Basically. No.”
“Apparently it’s really good for your skin,” said Sarah.
“Proper feminists don’t care about shit like that,” I pointed out.
“So, your boyfriend,” said Sarah. “You don’t let him jizz on your face?”
“Erm,” I said. “I mean, he doesn’t always ask first.”
“So how do you, like, what’s the word? Reconcile that with being a proper feminist and everything?”
“Oh,” I said. “I just don’t tell anyone who’s more of a feminist than I am.”
Sarah grinned. “You’re so practical, Jacinta. It’s one of the things I most admire about you.”