“I made €100 at a Lesebühne the other night,” I said to a German mate of mine recently
“Yeah? That’s great.”
“I’m gonna save the money up – secretly. I only need €300.”
“For what?”
“For Botox.”
“For Botox?”
“Yeah. I’m gonna get my forehead done.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. So I’ll look better, I guess. So that more people will want to sleep with me – I guess.”
“You’re insane. And stupid. And vain. And shallow.”
GAWD! German men are fucking hypocrites. All this crap about girls not wearing any make-up, not wearing nice tights, not having plastic tits, not getting their faces botoxed. Natural beauty – puke, puke, puke. I wouldn’t mind if they weren’t so fucking proud of themselves. You hypocritical cunts! Of course you don’t need to fuck Joan Rivers if you’re fucking beautiful 19-year-olds. It doesn’t give you the right to call Joan Rivers shallow, though.
“Oi,” I said. “All those girls you fuck? They’re all 20 years younger than you. Fuck someone 20 years older than you. Then I won’t get Botox.”
He winced a bit at that. “I can’t do that,” he said. “Everyone 20 years older than me is over 60. I really can’t do that. But I did have sex with a 40-year-old the other day. It was great. She didn’t look a day over 37.”
Another hypocritical German friend joined in the conversation then. German Hypocrite Number One said to German Hypocrite Number Two: “Guess what? Jacinta’s going to get her forehead injected with all these chemicals so she’ll look better and more people will want to sleep with her.”
German Hypocrite Number Two looked at me, vaguely surprised.
“Are you?” he asked. “In your forehead? I don’t think you need it yet. Wait a couple of years. You could just use some cream, you know – Oil of Olay or something.”
Fuck. I hate these German hypocrites, sometimes. At least British boys, who are still sexist pigs, fair enough, but at least they are honest enough to say they just want to fuck 19-year-old blonde sluts with big tits and flawless complexions. They don’t try to make out like they’re not horny, superficial bastards. They’re just like: “Please give me a 19-year-old blonde slut with big tits and a flawless complexion and I’ll fuck her. Thanks.”
“I’m going to get Botox,” I said, defiantly. “I’m going to get Botox and after that I’ll get my tits done, too.”
By this point there was a huge crowd of German Hypocrites surrounding me, it was like I was drowning in an ocean of German Hypocrisy.
“No!” they all screamed. “You shouldn’t do that! You can’t do that! You mustn’t do that! That’s insane! And stupid! And vain! And shallow!”
The only one who stood up for me was German Hypocrite Number Two.
“I think it’s okay, if you do that,” he said.
“You do?”
“Yeah. As long as you can’t notice that they’re fake. I think it’s fine. As long as they look natural.”
Fuck you, you German hypocrites. As long as you can’t notice that they’re fake? Fuck you. All this “natural beauty” crap. It’s total bullshit. It’s unbearably mendacious. It’s utterly verlogen. It’s 150 percent disingenuous. All this is about is evolution. That’s all. You want to fuck young girls with big tits because subconsciously you think they’ll be more likely to give you a healthy baby. That’s why you find Botox and breast implants “shallow” and “vain,” it’s because you think it’s cheating – you think the woman you might accidentally fuck is cheating evolution. But since we’re all just having safe sex nowadays (well, most of the time), we’re all cheating evolution anyways. So fuck all this natural beauty shit. Grow up. That’s seriously shallow.
