Amok Mama: Midwife crisis

Jacinta Nandi's midwife was perfectly nice. She feels a bit guilty slagging her off really. The truth is she hates all medical professionals, except for chemists.

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Photo courtesy of Deutsche Fotothek (Wikimedia CC)

My friend, the Working-Berlin-Mum, published a blog a while back about how much she loved her midwife. I couldn’t really say the same thing about mine. I only got to know her a few weeks before Rico was born, so we never really bonded THAT much, but she was nice enough. I’ve written a Lesebühnetext where I slag her – and all German midwives in general – off for being breastfeeding-obsessed fascists who lie to you about your tits getting back to normal once you’ve weaned, when in actual fact they’ll look like Dresden/saggy lumps of cellulite and your nipples like a witch’s finger/tree that’s been electrocuted in a horrific thunderstorm.

The disappointing truth is it’s just a joke. Well, a bit, you know. I mean, my tits do look hideous, but I don’t really hate her for it. She was perfectly nice. It’s just, I have to think of something new to write every week, you know, and saying: “Oh she was quite a decent person really but I think on reflection she probably übertreibed it with the Stillberatung a bit” would probably be more accurate, but a bit harder to drag out into 800 words.

The reality is I hate all doctors. I hate them. All of them. Especially gynaecologists, the filthy bastards. What’s their problem? I only go to the doctor when I’m sick. When I have to. When something hurts. I distrust them. I’d never go for a check-up or something. Nah. I’ve never, ever walked into a doctor’s surgery, in a state of good health, not unless I’m with my son. I absolutely only go when I absolutely have to. The weird bit is I secretly pride myself on saving the AOK money. I mean, just think of all the check-ups I haven’t had. I must’ve saved them a fortune and a half!

The people I hate even more than doctors are sub-doctors. You know who I mean. Medical professionals who are not actually doctors at all. God, I hate those smug bastards. At least a doctor can give you some pills and cut you open and stuff. All they can do is lecture you smugly. I think we should just abschaffen all of them. Physiotherapists, midwives, nurses, occupational therapists, dental nurses. You didn’t learn enough at school to get a medical degree, so don’t give me any fucking advice, I don’t need it. Don’t want it. When the revolution happens and my world order is finally implemented, all those sub-doctor jobs are gonna be abgeschafft. WHATever. Leave me alone. Yes I use dental floss. Shut up. When’s the dentist getting here?

The only ones I’ll make an exception for are chemists. I like them. They can give you pills and stuff. They’re totally useful. They’re not sub-doctors anyway, they’re almost-doctors. Actually, I think they’re better than doctors. They give out pills but they don’t poke you beforehand. Sometimes they look all worried and say: “But if the symptoms haven’t gone away within three days, you’ll go to a doctor, won’t you?”

“Of course,” I say. “I always go to the doctor – if I have to.”