So, I know what you’re expecting, Amok fans. A gruesome low-down on the Fritz Nacht der Talente. It’s what I was planning on blogging about all weekend. I had loads of different titles in my head – The Fritz Nacht der Torture or The Fritz Nacht der Terror or even The Fritz Nacht der Trauma, for example. But I’m too tired. I will write a blog all about it – some day – but right now all I can say is that I got booed off the Admiralspalast stage like the loser I am but chatted up by an actual German afterwards.
I’d read a story where a German boy, instead of screwing my brains out, cooks me come cocoa. This was our exchange:
German Boy: “Was that a true story, about the one night stand?”
Me: “Erm, yes”.
Him: “Maybe you’re trying the wrong German boys. Do you understand me?”
Me: “Erm, I think so, yeah.”
Him, gripping my arm quite hard, really: “I would never, ever cook you cocoa.”
Hurrah! What does it matter, 1,700 people thinking you’re a dick, if one of them wants to shag you afterwards?
In the meantime, look at this video about these seven-year-olds being made to dress up and dance like, well, like slags. Basically. They’re all bumping and grinding and flashing their legs about all over the place. Plus, they’re wearing slutty outfits. They could be in Vegas.
Now, I am not all trendy and liberal when it comes to kids’ sexualization. I am not one of those people who thinks kids should be wearing padded bras or learning how to pole-dance. I am pretty much WITH the Daily Mail 1000 percent on this one. Let kids be kids, let them try on make-up and their mums’ stilettos once in a while but don’t stick them in eye-liner and bikinis and video them doing the Macarena, you mad bastards.
But still: how weird and horny are these journos? Like the voice-over dude’s excited, charged tone as he summarizes the situation – he sounds like he’s forcing himself to sit on his hands to avoid wanking. Calm down, mate. And then your man in the studio: “I just couldn’t stop watching the video – and I felt like I should. “You weirdo. Don’t be weird. Do you realize how paedophilic you sound? If you lived in Britain, at least seven tabloids would’ve published your address by now.
So. We shouldn’t let kids dress and dance like slags. Actually, that’s not right. I mean, we shouldn’t MAKE the kids dress and dance like slags. They’re only kids, man. But when they do, we don’t need to wank over how “wrong” it is on breakfast television, either. For fuck’s sake. They’re only KIDS. There’s a limit to how “wrong” it can be. If you get what I mean. They’re only kids. It’s not “wrong.” It’s just silly. Stop wanking.