Ask Dr. Dot: yearn or burn

Our sexpert answers your most intimate queries.

Q My ex-girlfriend is driving me fucking mad. We have broken up at least seven times now (over three years) and always over the same issue: she wants more, more, more. First, she had me move in with her. Then I craved space and moved back into my own flat. I love shagging her, but she gets too clingy. I always do the breaking up and then she is devastated.

Sometimes I fuck her out of pity. I told her we can be lovers, but that I don’t want a relationship. Then she claims she is “cool” with that set up, but every time it’s the same story – she starts closing in on me and getting clingy/jealous again. Now it’s at the point where she texts me and I text back “stop texting me”. She writes back, “Why are you so cruel to me?”. I don’t want to be a bastard, but I am 31 years old and I have lots of clam-jammin’ to do. Something has gotta give. Help. – Caged Carlton

A It really sounds to me like you are over this woman – but you seem to be addicted to her pussy. This is not good for her. Grow a pair and text her, “I need my freedom, please understand. Peace.” There is no arguing with that. You cannot be friends with a woman who is obviously madly in love with you. She clearly wants more than you will give her, so set her free and move on. Either shit or get off the pot.

Q Fresh out of a four-year relationship, I was heavily hit on by a insanely hot 25-year-old bloke (I am 22). Things moved along quickly and three weeks into it, he said, “You always have to cart so much of your shit back and forth – why not just move in?” So I moved out of my parents’ place and into his flat. At first, it was divine. Lots of sex, “I love you’s”, cuddling, baths – heaven! Two months later, he started acting distant and picking arguments, and he told me it would be best for me to move out. My heart feels like it was tossed into a blender and put on Frappe. He says he still cares, but I am gutted. I didn’t do anything wrong! How can he go from LOVE to NO LOVE so quickly? Another woman? Did I bore him? – Gutted Giselle

A Not surprised one bit. You gave in way too fast. The men are the gas, women are the brakes. Men love to yearn. If you take away their yearning, they will get bored, cranky and find someone who makes them yearn again. I don’t think he’s completely over you, I just think you need to give him space. He is only 25! Living together shouldn’t happen until your thirties, if at all (I crave space, but that’s just me). Gather your bearings and keep busy. Don’t contact him and when/if he contacts you, be sweet and understanding but brief. Do not mention ‘the relationship’ AT ALL. Act like there was no drama/split at all. Start from scratch and take it slow. Do not give in to speedy ideas or plans of his anymore. See him a couple times a week and don’t even sleep over, show him you ‘got it’ and you are keen to see him, but that you want your own space too. Let him miss you and yearn for you again: the flame can be reignited if you stay strong and keep so busy that you really only have time for him once in a while. You can’t always give in to a man’s every whim. Like shopping when you are hungry: sometimes men’s eyes are bigger than their bellies and they think they want you daily, but even the yummiest dessert tastes bland after a few days. Don’t take it personally.

Q I am 34 and I recently met a younger girl, guessing she is around 20 years old and I am smitten as a kitten. She is ridiculously fit and we have a lot in common (music, humor etc). The thing is, she has a boyfriend who is studying out of town. He won’t be back for a few months. How can I coax this fine young thing into bed? I don’t want to scare her off and come across as a seedy older man. – Back Door Man

A Boyfriend is different than ‘fiance’, innit? Ask her if she wants her feet massaged. If she says no, it’s game over – but if she says yes, after the first foot is done and she starts to relax a bit, ask her “So, are you in an exclusive relationship?” It’s either yes or no. Take it like a man. Just keep in mind that if she does shag you when her BF is out of town and someday she ends up as your girlfriend, you won’t be able to sleep well when you go out of town.

Q My boyfriend is always texting on his mobile phone in front of me and it bothers me. My question is, if he is actually texting another chick, would he leave his phone laying around where I would be able to look at the messages? Or am I just being insecure and looking for a problem? – Lady Jane

A If he runs a company and needs to be constantly reachable (like myself), it just means he is a workaholic (you can try to coax him nicely away from the device with kisses, hot crotchless panties or a tasty meal). If he does not need to be on the handheld for work, then it is ignorant of him to text in front of you all of the time. Just leave when he does that and tell him nicely to call you when he has free time. I really doubt a man is dumb enough to shag around and leave his phone unattended unless he is trying to get caught. (Some men do this type of thing because they want to get busted. That way, they don’t have the nasty task of breaking up with someone – after all, it’s usually easier to be left than to do the leaving.) If he is treating you well and the texting is the only issue, try to be a bit more tolerant: we all have a few annoying habits. If he is being a prick AND texting all the time, he is trying to get caught and bail. In that case, it’s time to bounce.

Send all questions or problems, whatever they are, to me: [email protected]