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Ask Dr. Dot: lies, licks and divorcees

Our sexpert answers your most intimate queries.

Q My girlfriend and I (both in our forties) have been together for 16 months, and have lived together for the last six (in her flat). Pretty fast, I know, but finances played a role – I am out of work. She seems to shave her pussy before she goes out with her ‘male mates’ (she has quite a few of these) without me. She told me she slept around A LOT before she met me, and though she also told me she never cheated on a boyfriend, I did find out she had lied about having slept with a particular one of her closest ‘male mates’ prior to meeting me.

She also recently told me she feels like she has to lie about seeing some of the said ‘mates’ because she thinks I won’t like it. I told her the truth is extremely important and that if it causes me any discomfort, that is far less important than telling the truth. I am now feeling uncomfortable with the whole situation and am not sure how to deal with it. After all, how far will she take these lies? Any advice? – Wondering Wilhelm

A Perhaps she feels she has the right to behave like this because you aren’t contributing financially. She seems to be acting like a macho man.You have already caught her in a big lie and frequent ‘little lies’; she admitted to feeling like she ‘has to lie to you’. There’s too much lying going on here – and no one has to shave their genitals before going to out meet ‘friends’. It sounds to me like she thinks of you as a dad or a brother, not a boyfriend. At her age, I really doubt she will change her behavior patterns anytime soon. She used to be very promiscuous? Once a slag, always a slag. Not that that’s a bad thing, but that shit never changes and it seems to bother you. Either accept her ‘independent ways’ or find another roommate to help with the rent. You will easily find another woman to love you, but your current partner will have a hard time finding another man willing to put up with her bullshit, especially at that age.

Q I have just had my first experience with a man since my divorce. As I never used condoms with my husband, I didn’t remember to use one with him. He was younger than me and very clean and sporty, so I also did not see him as a big risk. Have I broken a big taboo by having a one-nighter in this fashion? And do I need to watch out in the future or is the odd one okay? – Petrified Paula

A You can’t judge people by their age or appearance. Some young people sleep around much more than older ones, simply because they can. Using a condom is always the best route to take. I would go have a check up and blood test to put your mind at ease.

Q I have been dating this girl for about two months. We almost broke up two weeks in because she thought we were moving too fast. She said we were having sex too often, but I was never the one coming on to her, she always came looking for me. We eventually just went on having regular, healthy (and great-for-both-sides) sex. One time, she text messaged me, describing what she was going to do to me sexually. But then she texted me again, saying, “I don’t want to have sex for a while”, so we didn’t fuck after all. I asked her about this because I found it unusual. She didn’t have much to say other than that it wasn’t “a big deal”.

The past two times we have had sex, it hasn’t been the best. She seemed a little uninterested. When I asked her about this, if she was losing interest or what, she simply said, “Well, I wasn’t really in the mood but I fucked you anyways to please you.” No girl has ever openly said such a thing to me, so I found it somehow sweet and endearing. I just need a girl’s point of view on this whole thing… Is it really not a big deal? Am I blowing the whole thing out of proportion? Or is there something hiding behind this ordeal? Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. And by the way I’m 26 and she’s 25. – Horny Hans

A Not a good sign. If this is going on already, imagine being bound to her for the rest of your life. Imagine her saying, “Oh honey, you can fuck me if you have to, but I’d rather fold laundry, so hurry.” That’s probably where this will end up if you stick with her, move in together – or worse, marry her. I’d keep your options open and play the field. You’re too young for such restrictions. It’s best to have a girlfriend who wants to have sex with you, rather than just tossing you a mercy fuck from time to time. Get out while you still can, my friend.

Q A guy I have been seeing on and off for the last couple of years (we live in different countries) never, ever licks my pussy. I have a very clean, tight twat, and I know it smells and tastes good because other men tell me so and I often lick my fingers after masturbating. He is considerably younger than I am, so I have remained patient. I asked him flat out once – “Why don’t you lick my cunt?” – and he replied, like a smart ass,“You never ask.” This infuriated me and I almost ended all contact with him. A while afterwards I asked him, full stop, on the phone about this one-way oral sex street we are on. He then came up with a new excuse: that I am older and he is afraid he won’t be as good at it as my former lovers. Do these excuses sound good enough to you? Or am I overreacting? I am extremely generous about giving head and I feel ripped off. – Oral Ora

A He sounds like a lazy sack of shit to me. Trying and failing is still better than not trying at all. And age has nothing to do with it. You can’t let him off easy all the time just because he is younger. When does he plan on learning? When he is 50? It’s harder to teach an old dog new tricks than to teach a young one how to do it the way you like it. The fact that he said, “you never ask”, shows he is being a selfish prat. Hold off on those generous blow jobs and if/when he asks why you stopped, give him a taste of his own medicine: tell him “ladies first” and guide his thick head down to your neglected cunt. If he still refuses, show him the door. There are plenty of men around, of all ages, who love to lick pussy.

Send all questions or problems, whatever they are, to me: [email protected]