Q My live-in boyfriend loves football and watches all the matches. But when his team (Arsenal) loses, he throws a wobbler and stays in a bad mood for days. I walk on eggshells and try to avoid him as he is just plain nasty to me. He is a grown man for fuck’s sake (39)! These games are out of his control, so I just can’t understand why it affects him so much. He takes it out on me and if I didn’t love him so much, I would tell him to piss off and leave him. Any smooth ideas about how to get around this tantrum time of his? – Flappin’ Francesca
A Never try to come between a man and his sports. Just keep in mind, sports are better than wars. Tell him between matches that you have an idea that may cheer him up if his beloved team loses again. Say “Every time Arsenal loses, I will shag you silly with sexy stockings and heels on” and see how that grabs him. If he doesn’t go for it, sleep elsewhere when they lose until he cools down, so he can see how unbearable he is. But I am guessing he might secretly start hoping they lose – so you can’t go wrong, innit?
Q I am a mature woman – aged 46 – but look fabulous for my age, most people guess I am 32. I am a self-confessed cougar and crave young cock. I am not a clingy woman and I am not after marriage, just regular, no-strings-attached sex with a young stud. Any advice for me about how to dodge the inevitable, dreaded question that all cougars fear: “How old are you?” It is awkward every single time, but I don’t want to lie either. Looking forward to your answer. – Demi Ditto
A Young guys usually ask that because they lack topics to talk about and younger girls don’t mind lurting out their age. When faced again with this mundane question, just smirk and say, “If you can guess my age right the first time, I will tell you if you are correct, but you only get one chance. If you guess wrong, then the topic is closed as it bores me.” So let them guess – chances are they will probably guess wrong anyways. Mystery is vital to keeping passion alive.
Q Recently I turned 50 and my 49-year-old girlfriend of a year has pretty much given me an ultimatum. She has made it painfully clear that if I don’t marry her, she will move on. I am an extremely wealthy, adventurous man. I have already married twice before and have two grown kids. Things were very cool with my gf, but the last couple of months she has barely shagged me and has been very persistent about marriage. She refuses to sign a pre-nup, which worries me. All of my married friends tell me she is amazing and I should not let her slip through my hands. She is more of a homebody and I love to travel. All of these things are clouding my judgement, which is why I am asking for your advice. – Mid-life Manic
A If she is already withholding sex and ordering you around, you would be insane to marry this woman. Didn’t Paul McCartney’s messy divorce with peg-leg teach you anything? She is 49, clearly cannot give you another child and is obviously trying to wed you for security. Your married friends are just trying to get you into the same tedious situation they are in (misery loves company). I think you should tell her to forget the marriage idea and offer her a lavish “We Are In Love” party with the cake, dress, guests, a ring – just no written contract (they are incredibly unromantic and old fashioned, omfg!). If she freaks out, time to move on, my friend. Fifty is not old for a man: you can still meet plenty of other ladies who won’t give you ultimatums. It’s one step away from blackmail – “do this or I leave”. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out bitch, and take your conditional love and ram it up yer poop chute.
Q I’m a 42-year-old woman who is dating a 38-year-old man and we just moved in together. I seem to be the one struggling with the relationship: I am very jealous and I am trying to meditate about it because I hate feeling this way. Also, now that we’re living together, it seems that we don’t make love like we did before we got our own place. He tells me he loves me a lot and says I just ‘need to relax and enjoy what we have’. I have always been a player, so to speak, and now it seems that I have decided that I only want him and I seem to be a little overbearing with my emotions (I’m worried all the time about him wanting me and him staying with me). I have more going for me than he does with a career and money, but I am a little too clingy for my own liking and I want to back off a little. It seems like now that I am ready to settle down with one man, my emotions could screw it up. Ideas? – Clingy Cara
A Even if the woman was Megan Fox and the man was Clive Owen, the passion would still die down once they lived together – but you can keep it hot. If you’ve an extra room, sleep in there a few nights a week to have your space (space creates yearning). Make sure you stay busy. Don’t be together 24/7. Join a yoga class, learn to speak French, have a girls’ night out. Everyone enjoys their time alone and you can keep things passionate if you’re not always accessible. If you are worrying about what he is doing, you surely have too much free time on your hands. Try limiting sex to once a week so it’s explosive and ravenous rather than routine. Wear lingerie for him, let him shave your pussy, sugar-free whipped cream, fuck outside etc. Also, you can’t control what a person does once they leave the flat anyways, so there is NO POINT in even thinking about it. Your only concern should be, “Is he treating me well when we are together?” If the answer is “yes” then you’ve nothing to worry about. Chill.
Q My wife says my spunk burns her cunt. Now she makes me wear a Johnny! Is she having an affair? Or is my sperm turning into hot sauce? – Fiery Frank
A Some women have an allergic reaction to the proteins in sperm. It‘s called “human seminal plasma hypersensitivity”. Sperm’s pH is usually very alkaline and vaginal pH is usually very acidic, so there is bound to be some occasional burning. If you both drink more water, it could help water your juices down a bit. Your wife could see her doctor for allergy shots, which will ease the burning. Or you may just have to keep that raincoat on. Protected sex is better than no sex.
Send all questions or problems, whatever they are, to me: [email protected]