Our sexpert answers your most intimate queries.
Q I‘ve been reading your column for three years and enjoy it very much. Now I need your advice. I have a major relationship dilemma – I started casually seeing a girl a year ago. Over time we became closer and decided to be exclusive. Three months ago she went abroad to study. She confessed her love for me before she left, but at the time it wasn‘t mutual – mainly because I’d had a bad experience which left me very hesitant to love again. I decided it was a good time to end the relationship as there was no future – she is nine years younger and has only had one other serious relationship. Since she’s been away we kept in contact, and my feelings for her grew into love. I told her and we agreed to start afresh upon her return. She is due to return soon but recently I met another girl. We share similar interests, she’s my age and we connect on a deep level. I hardly know much else about her as we’ve not had enough time. I thought she wasn’t that interested but a few days ago she confessed (1) she has a boyfriend of three years (in another city) and (2) she is thinking of leaving him for me. On one hand, I have this girl I know well and have deep feelings for and although she is different, we connect on emotional and sexual levels. On the other hand I have this new girl, who is my type and seems caring and eager to be with me. Both are wonderful. Help! -Torn Between Two
A The new girl is “THINKING” of leaving her boyfriend for you. This should show you that she could easily meet another man in Berlin, while dating you and “think” of leaving you for him. That shows her lack of integrity, as it is best to end a long term relationship BEFORE starting a new one. The other girl, who is on her way back to Berlin, has stuck with you through physical separation and even you leaving her, which shows she truly loves you. Just because she is younger does not mean it can’t work. When a woman is in love, she will stick with her man. My stepmother was 19 when she met my 29-year-old dad (he was single at the time) and they have been madly in love for over 30 years. It usually works best when the man is older anyways. (Sex is better sometimes when the man is younger though, I must admit.) I say stick with the girlfriend who is on her way home but stay in light contact with the taken girl just as friends, per email or so and be honest with her. Tell her you’re going to try things out with your girlfriend but if things do not work out and she is SINGLE someday, maybe you two can give it a proper go. Leaving the young one for this new, attached female is just the devil on your shoulder and you could miss out on both if you go for it.
Q I am a 16-year-old gay boy who attends an English-speaking school here in Berlin. Not sure if my question fits into your column but I feel I need advice. I have been bullied a lot since I started school here (I moved from Denmark a few months ago). Because I look and act “different” the kids in my grade assume I’m gay and tease me about it. (I am gay but do not openly discuss it). How can a young male like me feel confident with my sexuality if I am being constantly harassed and made to feel dirty or wrong? It’s depressing and I’ve been avoiding school just to avoid the pressure. If you have any ideas or tips I would be so grateful. -Great Dane
A Young people can be so cruel, especially at school. Bullying is sadly a part of life amongst the youth. You need to learn NOW that you cannot please everyone. The only one you need to please is yourself. Love yourself, stand by your choices and an air of confidence will surround you. Walk with your head high and a smile on your face to show you are comfortable in your own skin and are enjoying this life (as it is a gift, and we only get one, so don’t waste it). If someone verbally abuses you about your sexual orientation, ask them “what difference does it make to you or anyone else what one does in their own bed?” It really should not matter. Sex is lovely but it’s not the most important thing in life. Your sexuality is just ONE aspect of your personality. If these fucks weren’t busy teasing you about your sexual preference, they would probably find something else to bitch about. You’re in good company here in Berlin, probably the gay capital of the world. Don’t let closeminded people affect you. Take a karate course to boost your confidence and keep you fit inside and out. Remember, it’s raining men in Berlin. Hallelujah.
Q I live with my boyfriend (he is 49 and I am 38). He is the breadwinner and pays all the bills so I guess this makes him feel he also gets to make all the rules. I do love him and vice versa. Thing is, when it comes to sleeping together a tiny war starts. He is rather overweight and insists on having the room as cold as a meat hanger. He had a fancy air conditioner built in and even though it’s cold out, he keeps the room at 15C. He is fat so he sweats easily and I have NO fat on my bones at all. I’ve asked if he minds me sleeping in the other room but he won’t accept that. This ridiculously petty fight is literally cooling off our romance. He is a wealthy business man and I earn next to nothing. How can I peacefully resolve this without causing WW3? -Thin Lizzy
A Explain to him he would see you naked more often if there wasn’t a constant threat of frostbite in the bedroom. It seems he really likes you sleeping next to him, so perhaps you can try getting him to fall asleep by cuddling him etc., and once he is sound asleep, slip out of the ice box into another room and sleep there. That way you both win. He gets to doze off with his lady next to him and you get to sleep in normal temperatures. I think sleeping next to one another is very overrated anyways. Sleep is sleep, sex is sex. Why mix them up and waste a good night’s sleep? This makes people cranky all throughout their day and less apt to shag later on. If he absolutely refuses to let you sleep apart, turn the air conditioner temp up once he is sleeping and get yourself a heating pad and a wooly hat so you won’t turn blue in his igloo.