Q I recently met a young, sexy bloke (I think he is about 24), and we have kissed a few times already. The other night I cracked a joke about wanking and he said, “I have never wanked.” I thought he was taking the piss, but he was serious and said he would never touch himself. I kept at it, saying things like, “Oh come on, everyone does it,” and he stood by his statement. Could this be true? Are there men out there who just don’t? – Skeptic Silke
A Unless a man’s hands are both broken, he will be using them to snap his carrot. This guy is either embarrassed to admit it or just flat out lying, and either one should be a huge turn off (it would be for me). In my opinion, all people (especially men) masturbate. Keeps the pipes clean. There is no point in prying with this one; he will just keep denying it and if there is a slight chance that he really never has beat off, I say make a run for it while you still can, as there is something fishy going on. Maybe he has no penis or was brought up by overly religious parents, but my guess is he is a fucking liar, and if you stick with him you can expect hefty heap loads of bullshit to follow.
Q Dot, I guess you are one person that I know can put things into perspective. I’m trying for the life of me to figure out why this happened. I met a woman online, and we saw each other for about a month. First night together, she gets me drunk. I pass out and wake up to find her riding me without protection. Took my virginity, and like a fool, I fell in love with her. After that first night, sex was consensual. Things ended when she wanted to patch things up with her abusive ex. Devastated, not sleeping, drinking, I got mad one day because her ex was publicly bashing her while she still had feelings for him. In confronting him, not thinking, I accidentally told him that she and I slept together. All hell broke loose afterward. My apology was accepted, but she didn’t want to hear from me after that. They managed to get back together. However, she’s bragging to people how she took my virginity and thinks that it’s funny. Understandably, I don’t drink anymore. I have suspicion that I was a rebound. – Insanely-PISSED-OFF Paul
A Well I am sorry to hear that your first time, which is supposed to be pleasant, memorable and special, was robbed from you. I would not repeat that story to any females you meet, as it will give them leverage and perhaps they will use it against you. Just chalk it up to a learning experience; excess alcohol rarely leads to good things. She seems to like abuse and perhaps she deserves it. Forget her and when she comes crawling back to you, which she will, you can tell her, “No thanks, I have learned my lesson and, by the way, you were crap in bed,” and this will help you get your dignity back in check and even have a laugh. Chin up, it wasn’t really your fault – blame it on the booze.
Q My best friend has a fabulous apartment off of the Ku’damm but since she met this man, she sleeps at his place 99.9 percent of the time. I need advice on how to save her. She wants to be there every night for him as she says, “If I sleep there every night, he can’t cheat on me.” She is Latina and has a feisty temperament so I do not want to get her angry at me, but I love her and do not want to see her hurt again (she had a painful divorce). I warned her that she is very clingy. She is 40 and is acting desperate to close the deal, if you know what I mean. Please help me help her. – Guardian Angela
A Just like you cannot save a drug addict – they must really want the help; otherwise it goes in one ear and out the other – you won’t be able to help her unless she asks for it. You can tell her though, that just because she abandons her lovely flat to secure her man in his flat, does not mean he can’t/won’t cheat. In fact, her being up his ass every single night may bore him to the point where he has to fuck around just to keep his sanity, and Berlin is the land of opportunity. You can shag in the Tiergarten for lunch if you want or even nosh in an elevator at work; dirty deeds aren’t just for nighttime. Hopefully she is as sexy as she is naïve, as it seems that is her only hope to keep his attention at this point.
Q I’m guessing it would be selfish to end a relationship just because my boyfriend simply cannot make me cum. I have been seeing this Turkish guy (he is 22 and I am 28) and we have a lot of fun together, although the language barrier is tough (his German is worse than mine!). He is beautiful and passionate; our kisses are like fire. But I try my best to explain to him how to make me cum and it’s useless. Oral: not happening. Him on top: not happening. Him on the bottom: he wiggles around too much and is too thin. It seems he is old fashioned and doesn’t realize how important it is for the girl to climax. It’s just extremely frustrating! Makes me want to call my ex just to get my rocks off. Words of wisdom, please. – Horney Hanni
A Your checklist didn’t include fingers or toys but it sounds like he isn’t bothered anyway. Use a translator (either a person or online) and tell him it is very important to you and if you don’t climax with him you will have to (1) do it in front of him so he can see the fireworks he is missing, (2) have an open relationship so you don’t explode or (3) leave him. I sincerely doubt there is a man on earth that would stay with a woman who could not/would not make him cum one way or another (unless he was impotent or paralyzed from the waist down). Brings to mind a Frank Zappa tune called “Dynamo Hum”: “I got a spot that gets me hot; and you ain’t been to it.”
Send all questions or problems, whatever they are, to me: [email protected]