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Ask Dr. Dot: Overmedicated penis, undermedicated princess

"It never ceases to amaze me what men will endure for great head."

Q I am heartbroken! My life has spiraled into the toilet and the pain is unbearable. I am super confused and I don’t know where to turn for answers. First of all, I am 30 and my wife is 26. We have been married for four years now. I met her in my hometown of New York City. We got married after about a year and moved to Berlin. We then moved to London so that she can pursue a degree in architecture. I love her more than anything, and she always told me how much she loves me and is in love with me. Last week however, after she returned from a class trip to Venice, she told me that she doesn’t love me anymore and that she wants her life back. She said, “You’re a good man, a very good man, and I love you but I am not in love with you, and I can’t be with you anymore. I want my life back.”

I asked her if she had an affair and she swears that there isn’t anyone else. She said that she feels like her love for me is decreasing. I keep persisting that we should see a marriage counselor, but she adamantly refuses! She says that it will not help us. I am extremely confused. My wife means everything to me. Please help. Gutted Gary

A Keep in mind that she was only 21 when you started dating and people change a lot from year to year. Sometimes people simply grow out of love with their partner. I am sure she still loves you, but all of that moving around has probably stirred up her curiosity and made her yearn for independence. As shallow as it sounds, moving from one country to another with a loved one usually does fuck up the plan a bit. Why? Because people tend to want to explore their new land and that can mean exploring other people as well, or just wanting to ‘start fresh’ in a new country. If she is an American living in London, the British men could be hitting on her left and right – “I love your accent,” etc. The temptation can just be too strong for some. I know if I lived in the UK I wouldn’t get any work done as the men are just too charming. It is best just to let her go and if she comes back, it will mean it was meant to be. But you cannot force her to fall in love with you again. 21-year-olds seldom know what they want ‘forever’ and she seems to have outgrown your relationship. I am sure it hurts like hell, but you need to get busy, keep in shape and move on.

She may come back someday, but it’s possible she may never return and time should not be wasted. I know many couples that were “madly in love” and then moved to a new country and it fell apart because of the new uncharted territory being just too much to resist. That and the fact she was so young when you started this journey is partly to blame. Do not blame yourself. Try your best to see the positive side to things. You’re also a foreigner in a new land, which works both ways: the ladies over there may be able to ease the pain.

Q Due to a car accident I was in, I developed sciatica and have been on painkillers for the last year. I am having difficulty getting an erection during sex. I cannot take Viagra because of a heart attack I had. How can I rise to the occasion again, doc? Mr. Softie

A Painkillers can give you a limp dick. If you quit the painkillers and get a few adjustments from a chiropractor to cure the sciatica, along with regular massages to keep it at bay, you should be good to go. Painkillers, alcohol, weed, etc, do a number on the cock. Wank often: just like any muscle, if you don’t ‘train’ your penis on a regular basis, it too will get weak.

Q I got myself into a predicament and I need advice. I am a touring artist, and whilst in Spain I met a stunning 29-year-old lady (I am 38). We communicated for a few months online and by phone and decided to take the next step by having her move in with me here in Berlin. I have a spacious one-bedroom flat with a workroom where I do my art. Since she doesn’t know anyone or speak German, all of her focus is on me. The first four months everything was amazing. She spoiled me with her cooking, hours-long blowjobs and keeping the flat tidy. Working is difficult as she ‘pops in’ every hour to talk to me while I am busy which makes me lose concentration, but that is the least of the problems. I am an attractive man and women are very flirty around me, which makes her wig out. She is overly jealous and flips out more frequently as time goes on. In fact, she has hit me three times. One time it was a violent slap but this past time she went off on me; punching, scratching and pushing while screaming, “I hate you!” Next day she acted as if nothing had happened, as if it was just a drunken stupor. Apart from the violent mood swings and jealousy, she is perfect for me. Is there a sane way to tame this goddess? Punching Bag Paul

A It never ceases to amaze me what men will endure for great head. No one deserves to be hit. This can only get worse, not better. No matter how physically attractive she is, her true colors are shining through and they are ugly. Please try to imagine staying with her and having children with her. She will probably end up beating them as well. You work at home and she is up your ass 24/7 – a lethal combination – but nothing merits such behavior. If a man strikes a woman, everyone makes a big deal out of it, but somehow when a woman beats up her man, some seem to let it slide. But it is not okay. The fact that she is unapologetic shows she finds her behavior ‘normal’, which means she may have been brought up in an abusive family. Unless you want copious amounts of drama in your life, I would buy her a one-way ticket home and send her fiery ass back to Spain. Adios Bitch.