Q I was surfing the net and came across a topic called ‘Sexorexia’. Are you familiar with the term or concept? This sounds like what I’ve been dealing with. It’s not only me talking myself out of intimacy because it’ll hurt physically; it’s also me denying myself sex because I feel unworthy of the pleasure or the person. I am almost 60 years old and rather shy/insecure. This is driving me mad and I’m unsure how (or if) to proceed. Thoughts? Bewildered Basti
A Sometimes when people age they become either more self-conscious or less. There are some men who are bald, fat, broke and smelly yet still believe they are the hottest thing around AND end up getting a fair amount of pussy BECAUSE their confidence is a huge turn on. Then there are some, usually women, who feel they are too old to get down and dirty, some who feel no one would want them because their body isn’t firm and fruity anymore and a select few who feel unworthy, like yourself. This is silly. EVERYONE deserves some love and affection. Just remember, there is always going to be someone else out there uglier, fatter, meaner, broker, homelier and more insecure than you, so get off your pity-party ass and go get back into the game. Love, sex, romance and companionship are some of the best parts of life. Not saying being alone is a bad thing, but you will spend enough time alone in the ground, once you croak. Watch the film Harold and Maude and see how comfy Maude is in her 79-year-old body and perhaps that will inspire you to try again.
Q I guess you only realize what you had once it’s gone. She just turned 18 and I am 21. I took her virginity two years ago. About a month ago we split up. I said stupid, mean shit I didn’t mean. I probably never really appreciated her enough, may have taken her for granted. She wanted me to change, namely to quit drinking and get a “real job”, and I wouldn’t budge, even though I make more money dealing than a real job could ever get me. She always wanted me to come to her house more, but she still lives with her two lesbian parents way outside of the city and I like my space. She always came to my house, and before she got a car she would take buses/trains to get to me, as I don’t have my license. Anyways, the war started when a friend came to town and wanted to get our band going. He needed a place to stay and I said he could crash with me (he’s still here). My girlfriend had been staying at my house a lot too and I started to feel smothered. I just wanted to focus on the music and hang with the boys. I told her I needed a few days to chill out. MISTAKE. Once I realized that I needed her bad, she had gained a new outlook and “self confidence” and had decided that now she needed space from me. We talked but I stood firm, even though she gave me chances to make it right. I refused to apologize and I said “no” when she asked me to come to her. We fucked twice more and it seemed over after that. She had been hanging out with this Russian kid. I told her that I didn’t like her hanging with him, and she was still willing to stop and was still in the palm of my hand. I basically told her, “Whatever, I don’t need you. I need space for the band.” And so what did I expect? My spell wore off and she went off with the Russian. I deleted her on Facebook and barely a week later she was shagging him! When I found out, I couldn’t sleep or eat well, and as she predicted, I started hitting the bottle again. I told her that if I saw this kid I would glass him. The worst part though is that we are in two night classes together – public speaking and math. I am shit at math and she was doing all my homework and giving me rides to and from school. Even though she is still willing to do those things, my pride won’t let me take them from her anymore. Needless to say I’m way behind in math, I haven’t even been going and I need this class to graduate. I just want this semester to be over so I can get out of this town to tour and play my music. The girl’s still texting me and says she might still love me and wants to get back together, but she’s still friends with the Russian. She asked, “What can I do to make this right?” But she has cheapened herself to me. Even though I know why she did what she did, I won’t be able to trust her again. I’ve told her that she’s “worthless” and other mean shit. But I can’t help longing for the girl I once loved. I try to chat up other girls and I’ve gotten some numbers, but I never call any of them because I just can’t stop thinking about her. I haven’t gotten laid since and it makes me sick that she has. Should I forgive her or move on? Lars from Potsdam
A You are her first and certainly will not be her last. She was 16 when you popped her cherry and I really have never met (in person or online) ANYONE who has stayed with their first lay. The way you describe the relationship sounds like she was just your whipping post. Making her come to you, drive you around and having her do your homework while you called all the shots. I am baffled at how you think she is the guilty one. You treated her like shit and now you’re regretting letting your easy meat slip through your fingers. If you have any love left for that girl, you will leave her alone. Your foolish pride is hurt, but you deserved it. If I were her, I would have sought out one of your mates and fucked him, not some random Russian boy. Lesson learned: don’t take people for granted. Especially not young hot girls. This relationship has NO chance in hell of recovery (you “can’t trust her”), and you seem to be so keen to get out of town to play your music, which is clearly your first love (mine too, so I know how it feels) and I really doubt you would want to bring her on tour with you, so just let her be for fuck’s sake and move on.