Q My wife and I are both 48 years old and moved to Berlin from England a few years ago. She has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous marriage, and she and I have a nine-year-old son together. I tour with various performing acts so I am gone 50 percent of the time, but I am also the sole breadwinner and own the house we live in.
She has not worked in nine years (spends her days doing yoga and working out, getting her hair and nails done, etc). Anyhow, she has not kissed me in two years, and even though we share the same bed, she only shags me a few times a year, and then it’s because I am begging for sex (she moans that I’m “clingy”). She recently told me she is “absolutely done working on the marriage,” and I discovered she has an emotional tie with a married man (they both bring kids to the same sports arena every week).
I have seen her chats saved in the computer history and confronted her. She says his wife does not know and to “please avoid telling her”. I still fancy my wife, and she is well fit for her age, but she is ice cold to me and puts me down constantly around the kids (and other family members). Therapy (her idea) has not helped. I feel beaten down, lost and afraid. Reaching out for answers. Whipped Will
A Of course she is “fit” because she has so much fucking free time to work on her body. Kids are aged nine and 14? That is not a full-time job. Since she is “done” with your marriage, you need to relocate your emasculated balls and have a little chat with her. I suggest selling that house, getting your own flat, helping her rent a new one with ample room for kids, and you will see there is nothing to be afraid of.
You should not stay living together, as meeting new people will be HELL. (No one will believe “I live with my wife, sleep in the same bed BUT we are not fucking – honestly!”) When you’re home in Berlin, you can have the kids; when you’re away, she takes care of them. Your kids will love you unconditionally, as they do, and she will have to start working and have less time to mould her shell and will surely learn appreciation for the money that she is clearly taking for granted.
Of course the married man adores her and her hot body, because he doesn’t have to pay her fucking bills and hear her nag all the time. She won’t be so appetizing any more once she is single, working and available (thrill of forbidden fruit: GONE). But none of that is really important. What IS important is that you will be free to meet other women who will probably enjoy kissing, embracing and loving you (remember, an English man in Berlin is seldom lonely).
Q Give me some signs please to help me know if my boyfriend is cheating on me or not. We’ve been together almost two years now and live together. I have an inclination but simply have no proof. I do not want to be the daft cow sitting at home while he is out messing around on me. Suspicious Mind
A His mobile is always on silent and he rarely answers it around you. He keeps passwords on his phone, computer, etc., and never gives you access. Goes out often partying without you, avoids bringing you around his friends, and your sex life suddenly starts to die down.
The thing you need to ask yourself is “can I FEEL his love?” (and I don’t mean physically). If he dotes on you, misses you, is obviously crazy about you – grabs your hand when you’re out for a walk; he is in love with you and it is unlikely that he is messing around behind your back.
If he IS treating you like a queen and messing around, well, kudos to him for the balancing act, but you can never control what a person does when they leave the house; what you can control is how you react to the situation.
You should expect love and respect from the one you love and respect. If he is treating you badly AND you’re paranoid about him being unfaithful, I’d say it’s time to get out while the gettin’s good.
Q Hmm, I have been reading your column in Exberliner since 2002 and I lost count how many times you have dissed marriage. I read online that you recently got married. What happened to “Practice what you preach”? Skeptical Suzie
A You caught me. Guilty as charged. Thing is, if/when you get involved with someone who is from a different country, governments make it very difficult to stay together when a visa expires. Sometimes you have to take the plunge to maintain what you have going on in the love department. Notice I am being vague but informative simultaneously?
Just know I am not the one whose visa expired, and knowing we only live once helped me say, “Fuck it, why not?” Rest assured, I will practice what I preach: If you are happy, great! But if things turn sour, move the fuck on and change your situation, as life is too short to be unhappy.
Q I am a 22-year-old lesbian (I am 100 percent satisfied licking pussy and love tits in my face), but once in a while I fall off the wagon and shag a bloke. Some of my friends wind me up and tell me I am not gay but instead, bi. A man cannot make me orgasm, and dating one would make me sick, as they are all full of shite, but I do enjoy a tad of cock now and again. Does this mean I am in fact bi? Or because I yearn for the same sex, can I be sure that I am in fact a lesbian/ gay? Maybe Gaybe
A Some people may feel more confident with a label, i.e., ‘Heterosexual’, ‘Strictly Dickly’, ‘Flaming Gay’ or ‘100 percent Bi’, but trying to figure out where you fit in is a waste of time. It is almost 2012, for fuck sake; it doesn’t even matter anymore, innit? Just because you like vegetables doesn’t mean you’re a vegetarian. There are plenty of men out there who won’t mind being used for sex now and again, so just relax and tell your judgmental friends to make themselves useful and lick your indecisive twat.