“I watched Germany’s Next Topmodel last night,” I said to a girl at work.
She giggled. “Isn’t it awful?”
“I was really shocked,” I said. “They made them wear these really ridiculously high heels, and then they all fell over, and sobbed.”
“It is funny, when they fall over, though.”
I looked at her sternly. “I think it should be banned,” I said, shaking my head resentfully. “You Germans are mad enough Schadenfreude addicts as it is.”
“Oh, don’t be such a pussy, Jacinta. If you banned Schadenfreude, you would basically have to ban all of German TV, except for, like, the Sendung with the Maus or something.”
It’s true. I am a pussy. I hate pain, and fear, and fairgrounds, and all that kind of shit. I’m not just a pussy – I’m a Total Pussy. People think I’m all, like, lairy and loud-mouthed and coarse and crass and stuff, and that’s fucking true of course, but really, deep down, I’m a Total Pussy. For example, tonight, reading my son The Naughtiest Girl in the School by Enid Blyton for his bedtime story, I started crying at the bit where Joan Townsend’s mum tells her about her dead twin brother who her mum had always loved more than her, only he died when Joan was three so she couldn’t remember him.
“Are you crying because the kid is dead, or because the mum loved the kid more than Joan?” Rico asked, slightly puzzled, just checking.
“I’m not sure,” I sniffed, miserably. “A combination of the both, I think.”
God, I’m a pussy.I’ve cried about the Iraq War on, at least, like, seven occasions. I’m literally PETRIFIED of scary, mad dogs. I flinch when my kid climbs up walls. I hate Silvester and May 1. I never go black on the U-Bahn, unless I am genuinely totally skint, or I’ve just forgotten. If I buy something that is labelled €3.99, and I get to the till, and the cashier’s all like, oh, it’s €12.99, I don’t even question it. I just pay it and blink a bit, and try to get out the shop quickly. I don’t even say, oh, and I thought it was gonna be €3.99 coz that’s what it’s labelled as. That is how much of a Total Pussy I am. Even fucking Kafka would’ve been capable of giving it a sneaky, slightly surprised: “Sind Sie sich da sicher?”
But STILL: one thing I would do, if I could, is BAN Germany’s Next Top-bloody-model. There is something seriously wrong with the world if people who are neither mentally ill and/or disabled are enjoying this shit, but that’s not the point. It’s the girls, the girls taking part. Those stupid, stupid, stupid girls. Those girls want to be Germany’s next “top” model. They think that Heidi is a “top” model now. They admire and respect Heidi Klum. They think she is attractive, intelligent, decent… They even think she’s human. AND THEY WANT TO BE LIKE HER. Hence, they are obviously all clinically insane. We shouldn’t be laughing when these people fall over. They are mentals. They have severe mental health problems. It isn’t funny when mental people fall over. Well, it’s a bit funny, like when someone teaches their dog to smoke – but it shouldn’t be allowed.
Back to Heidi: that woman is a heartless, personality-less, soulless alien-robot designed by TV company robot-designing boffins to make Katharina Saffranek appear sympathisch. Heidi Klum is about as attractive as the prospect of David Cameron being UK Prime Minister for the next seven years. Actually, she’s about as attractive as the prospect of Nick Griffin being UK Prime Minister for the next SEVENTEEN years. Actually, she’s about as attractive as the prospect of Robert Kilroy-Silk, David Cameron, Gordon Brown AND Nick Griffin forming some kind of weird coalition government – for the next, say, SEVENTY-FOUR years – and it’s your job, to suck them off, each and everyone of them, every morning, before breakfast. And you have to lick out Gordon’s bum-hole. Every morning. And he’s got haemoroids. Anybody who wants to take part in this torture porn bullshit masquerading as television – actually, not masquerading that much, to be honest – is obviously in no position to be making any kind of decisions about their lives.
And anyone who doesn’t agree with me is even more of a pussy than what I am, basically.