If the above applies to you, we can safely assume that you’re one of the few cases for whom my guide to finding love in Berlin inexplicably failed; that you’ve Tindered until your thumbs tired, that your degrading and dysfunctional Berlin relationship has fallen to pieces; and that your moves at the staff Christmas party didn’t quite cut it. You’re unfortunately ungeliebt at Christmas in the capital city of the fucking country that invented Christmas.
You’re not being welcomed into any in-law’s small castle for a snow-flaked German family Christmas fantasy. You’ve got no significant other to buy a present for at the Weihnachtsmarkt, just fridge magnets for yourself. When not even a fat old guy wants to crawl in your chimney, don’t fret, Mossy can reassure: being single over Christmas in Berlin is actually the best, for a number of
GLÜHWEIN FOR BREAKFAST
After the Germans invented Christmas, they invented something even more spiritually divine: a custom of drinking red wine in the daytime. You’re not supposed to get drunk on Glühwein, but then again you’re not supposed to fuck anything that moves (plant, animal or mineral) on crystal meth in an industrial dark room full of strangers on a Monday morning. This is Berlin, anything goes. Get tanked on Glühwein at 11am because there’s nobody to stop you and everyone is expecting you to be getting tragically pissed anyway. You’ll feel very merry for approximately 24 minutes, the perfect window to write shit on Facebook. Worth it.
There’s a psycho-sexual-Oedipal anxiety instilled in all German men that gives a repulsion to women drinking Eierlikör who aren’t their grandmothers. So single ladies, enjoy the chance to get sucked into this delectable coalition of custard and spirit over the festive season! The social shame surrounding Eierlikör is both powerful and mysterious. What exactly is the fuss about? How did it become the crazy-cat-lady of liquors? Eierlikör gets German guys out the door faster than Kinderwünsche, period sex and Alice Schwarzer publications.
FLATULENCE IN BED
A perennial pleasure of being single is extra special at Christmas because as you fall into bed, gluttoned with consecutive undigested meals, you can sleep soundly knowing that your disturbances of the Darm will not be heard. No one believes me when I tell them (probably because it’s such an achievement) but I once got dumped for a single instance of farting in bed. A guy who liked me enough to share a bed with me a whole of four times actually got up and left in the middle of the night after I did a teeny, tiny little fart. Imagine Minnie Mouse popping a champagne bottle: the least offensive, most adorably feminine a fart could possibly be. And like he wasn’t even nice enough to wait half an hour after it happened so that I could attribute his departure to something else, instead he chose to leave me haunted by this Pups for the rest of my days on earth.
My friend contests: “I doubt he dumped you because you farted in bed. He probably dumped you for one of all the other things.”
BEING A SLUT
Okay, you never need an excuse to be a slut, but sometimes it’s just nice to have one up your sleeve and being single in Berlin over Christmas is the final curtain when it comes excusing slutty behaviour. This Godless city, full of people who hate their families or who can’t afford to go home for the holiday season, is a place where lost and nicely toasted souls jump in the Santa sack with one another and ’tis not the season to be fussy! Because being totally alone at Christmas is actually really shit. Sex at Christmas is a life affirming ritual because you’re rubbing one off for poor old Joseph who not only dutifully accepted never getting to screw his wife Mary but who also swallowed that God cut his lunch for him. Sure, Christ got crucified – but he was kinda asking for it and he got famous – Joseph on the other hand never got laid and generally just got shafted.
Get sloshed on cheap, sugary booze*, fart in bed and screw someone you wouldn’t otherwise poke a stick at… Frohe Weihnachten meine lieben Singles von Berlin!
*enjoy the headaches and going up a dress size, it’s on me 😉