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Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins ⋆

The G.I. Joe franchise is looking for a comeback... Good luck with that.

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Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins (Paramount)

The G.I. Joe franchise is looking for a comeback… Good luck with that.

It’s the origin story no one asked for, set within Hasbro’s toy advertisements yearning for a cinematic universe already moribund G.I. Joe franchise that no one cares about.

But it does star Henry Golding, whose charming star continues to be on the rise, Samara Weaving, who can do no wrong since Ready Or Not, and Iko Uwais, the Indonesian actor/martial artist who blew everyone’s minds in The Raid and The Raid 2. With this in mind, surely the worst Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins was going to be was a brainless action film that would pass the time via some entertaining fight choreographies.

And yet, director Robert Schwenke (Red, R.I.P.D.) has blown all low expectations out of the water by managing to make a film about the popular speechless ninja assassin a bloodless, insultingly generic and joyless slog. Much like the already rotten G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and G.I. Joe: Retaliation before it, Snake Eyes is far too stupid for its dramatic aspirations and as such, actually gives the Transformers series a run for its money for the crown of worst series based on a toy line. Now you know. “And knowing is half the battle!”

Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins / Directed by Robert Schwenke (US, 2021), with Henry Golding, Samara Weaving, Iko Uwais. Starts August 19.